Expectantly Unexpectant

I sometimes forget that Lena is pregnant. Maybe it's because she's still wearing all of her regular clothes. Or maybe it's because she's feeling so much better now. Or maybe it's because our other three children are such a distraction. Whatever the reason, I'll momentarily really and truly forget that there's a tiny new person swimming around inside my wife.

And then, I'll catch a glimpse of Lena laying on the couch, gazing at her growing belly, and the shock of it all will hit me again. Oh. My. Goodness. We are having a baby.

Lena at 16.5 weeks

There is so much that is different for me about this pregnancy as compared to our last two, but this forgetting is surely the biggest difference. When I was the one with the tiny baby (or babies) inside me, I don't think a minute went by that I didn't think about the pregnancy. I certainly never forgot that I was pregnant all together. My body was giving me constant reminders. I was nauseous and thirsty. I had to pee all the time. I had heartburn and a baby's foot poking me in the ribs. But now that the whole thing is happening outside of my body, it's as if the pregnancy is taking place in my mind. And while my mind occasionally vacillates between disbelief and forgetfulness, it also feels more at peace than it has in a long time.

One thing that I think is really lucky about our experiences as a two-mom family making babies is that neither Lena nor I has ever had to deal with pregnancy jealousy. When I was the one getting pregnant, Lena had zero desire to get pregnant herself. And by the time Lena started to feel the pull in her womb to grow a baby, my own needs to experience pregnancy had been completely satiated. It doesn't always work out this way, often times both moms want to get pregnant at the same time, and have to decide who will get to go first, and how long to leave the waiting mom's body pining for a pregnancy of its own.

But the fact that I don't wish myself to be in Lena's current state in any way does not make me any less thrilled over the fact of the pregnancy. If anything, I am enjoying this pregnancy more than those that came before it. I mean, I feel pretty great for someone who's expecting a baby in five months. One of the many difficulties I experienced when pregnant was that I would feel like all of my creative energy was being drained and deposited directly into the placenta. I could barely write a sentence. I couldn't knit or paint or sew a thing. I just didn't have it in me. But this time, I feel as though I am just bubbling over with creativity. Wanting to make the perfect nest for our sweet babe, wanting to be able to wrap our little one in oodles of handmade cozy clothes and blankets, wanting to document every little pregnancy development in a way that I was never able to previously. And I feel like even though I am not the pregnant one, I have that pregnancy "glow," burning inside me and driving me forward. I've never enjoyed winter so much. I've never been so unaware of the season's darkness and gray skies. I've never woken up so happily each and every morning.

This life of being expectantly unexpectant is like a dream come true. Oh wait, it IS a dream come true! And I am Living The Dream. And I am loving it.