Two Moms, Four Breasts, One Happy Baby

Before Lena woke up one morning and decided that she wanted to get pregnant, my plan had been to adopt our fourth child. And I began chomping at the bit to get the adoption process started when Zeben was still just a baby himself; I wanted to make sure that I still had a decent milk supply when our new baby came home. When the plan--which I should clarify was solely my plan, Lena was never exactly on board--changed, and it became clear that our fourth baby would come to us not through adoption but through Lena's body, I still thought about my milk supply. I knew that I wanted to be able to nurse the baby, even though we--as a family--wouldn't have the same need for me to breastfeed that we would have had if we had adopted a baby.

I actually remember the exact moment when I realized that if Lena and I each birthed some of our children, we'd potentially both be able to nurse all of them. It was the fall of 2001, and I was walking through the woods with our dogs, Toby and Sky, and fantasizing about the future (a common activity for me at that point in my life), which really just means that I was thinking about having babies. I imagined Lena and I each giving birth within months of each other, and then both of us sharing the breastfeeding of both children, and the vision just seemed so perfect. When I told Lena about my fantasy, she was less-than-enthused about the "giving birth within months of each other" part, but I still thought it was a pretty great idea, at least the joint-nursing part, if not simultaneous gestation.

About a year later, we found out we were expecting twins and, thinking back to my two-nursing-moms fantasy, I suggested to Lena that she might breastfeed the babies too. After all, we'd have two babies and we may as well take advantage of all the available breasts in the house. Lena was definitely open to the idea, but was not interested in messing with her hormones in order to induce lactation (especially since she was working as a teacher at the time and really wouldn't have any time to pump during the work day). We planned to wait until breastfeeding was well-established with my milk-producing boobs, and then introduce Lena's as "pacifier boobs." Of course, life with twin newborns was all-consuming and beyond hectic and it took forever for breastfeeding to be "going well" (I never had issues with supply, but had nearly every other potential breastfeeding problem over the first few months). I think Luke and Jaz were probably about 3 months old when Lena first tried to let them--and by them, I really just mean Jaz--latch on. The attempt lasted all of 20 seconds, if that. Lena screamed. I pointed out that the latch hadn't been quite right, but My Love was not interested in letting any little mouth near her nipple again anytime soon. Later she got our OB to agree that pregnancy prepares the nipples for breastfeeding, and that her never-been-pregnant breasts would not be able to handle the feeling of a baby sucking on them as well as breasts that had gone through the changes of pregnancy. I still don't exactly agree (plenty of adoptive moms induce lactation and successfully nurse their babies, never having been pregnant), but that one painful experience pretty much halted the "two moms, two babies, four available breasts" plan. I seem to recall Lena letting the boys latch on here and there as toddlers, but for the most part our first three children have always viewed Mama's breasts as the "not for nursing" kind.

Lena nursing Leo

When we conceived Leo, Zeben was 23 months old and still nursing quite a bit. Breastmilk remained his main source of nutrition well into his third year. While I otherwise might have encouraged him to cut back a bit (with Luke and Jaz, I stopped nursing them in the night at their second birthday, and soon after began limiting them to four nursing sessions a day), the fact that we were expecting a new baby changed my perspective on Zeben's nursing addiction breastmilk intake. I wanted to make sure to at least maintain my supply until the baby was born. I never suggested that Zeben start nursing more, I just didn't try to limit him in any way. Lena and I discussed what my breastfeeding role with Leo would be only vaguely; it seemed hard to predict what would feel right once he was born. I knew that I would want to be able to nurse him when I was alone with him, and I hoped that I would be able to at least comfort nurse him when he was older (for our kids, the vast majority of the comfort nursing has happened during the second year). But I also felt strongly about wanting Lena to be his real source of nutrition. One of the coolest things about breastmilk (in my opinion) is that its composition changes as a baby gets older. A mother's breasts make different kinds of milk for newborns, six-month-olds, 18-month-olds and 2-year-olds. While breastmilk of any "age" is, of course, wonderful for a human baby (and way better than artifical milk), ideally a baby will receive the type of milk designed especially for him/her. My body makes milk that is perfect for a 2-year-old. Lena's body makes milk that is perfect for a 2-month-old. We also knew that we would want to wait at least a few weeks before I offered my breasts to Leo, to make sure that everything was going well with Lena's nursing experience first (much like one would wait to introduce a bottle).

Leo and his Mama

Purely by coincidence, Lena's and my nipples are shockingly similar (and trust me, having helped dozens of women struggling with breastfeeding, I have seen LOTS of nipples, and there is a wide range of size and shape). It was no surprise to me that the first time I tried to nurse Leo, he latched on without hesitation. I wondered beforehand what nursing him would feel like, but it really just felt normal and natural, as it should.

Me nursing Leo

Most of the time if I'm holding Leo and suddenly feel the urge to nurse him (my instinct that he's hungry), I will search out his Mama (Lena), and hand him off. But if I'm alone with Leo, or if he's just recently nursed Lena and I don't think he's actually hungry, I will offer him my breast without thinking about it. I LOVE having the magical ability to soothe him anytime/anyplace, even if I don't necessarily have the milk supply to completely sustain him. When Lena starts working in the next few weeks, I will probably ocassionally offer Leo some of Lena's expressed milk using a nursing supplementer at my breast. But even without Lena's amazing milk on hand, I feel so much more confident when I'm alone with Leo, knowing that I can always nurse him if I/he need(s) to. This is also a key difference in making it feel like Leo is my baby as opposed to someone I am baby-sitting for. I have enough milk to tide him over if he's hungry and Lena's not home, or to spray on his bottom during a diaper change (or to spray at Lena during one of our milk mama wars). We were also happy to purposefully offer Leo some of my "toddler milk" when Zeben was sick, upping Leo's intake of antibodies to the illness.

Leo and his Mom

This evening, Lena was reading to Luke and Jaz in bed (as is their nightly routine), and I had Zeben and Leo downstairs. I got a La Leche League call from a new mom with a breastfeeding question, and just as I started talking to her on the phone, both Leo and Zeben started to fuss. Without thinking about it, I latched them both on and tandem nursed through my conversation. Lena came downstairs to this sweet scene of brotherly love:

My view
Note: Zeb is holding Leo's hand

I do still wish that Lena had been able to nurse our older kids in the way that I am now able to nurse Leo, but more than anything I'm just glad that we're FINALLY getting to live out my fantasy. Two moms and four nursing breasts really do make for one very, very happy baby.

Leo Star
2 months old