Big Brothers

In celebrating Zeben's birthday last week, we also celebrated the fact that Luke and Jaz have been big brothers for two years now. For the most part, they really are some of the sweetest big brothers ever. Of course they have their moments of wanting nothing to do with the shortest member of our family, but that is definitely not the norm. I think part of the sibling harmony between the older boys and Zeben comes from their age difference (3 years, 9 months) and part comes from the fact that Luke and Jaz never had to transition from being the only child to being the oldest child. They were used to sharing our attention, and if anything, the addition of a third attention-getter has only calmed the sibling rivalry in our house.

From the very beginning, we told the kids that Zeben was their baby, and they treated him as such, telling Lena and me how to take care of him, when to nurse him, when to pick him up. They never expressed any jealousy at all about the time it took for us to attend to Zeben's needs (on the contrary, they'd often yell at me to "pick up the baby! He wants you! Now!"). Watching their excitement as he grew and changed made his infancy so much more exciting for Lena and me. After he was born, we couldn't wait for the kids to come and meet him at the hospital. Here are some video clips of Lukas and Jasper that were taken the day after Zeben was born (and if you think 2-day-old Zeb looks like the biggest newborn baby ever, it's because he was). Jaz is telling Lena about all of the things he will teach his baby brother how to do.



Lukas was clearly excited, but not quite as articulate! (We love to watch these two clips in sequence to illustrate some of the differences between Luke and Jaz).




The other evening, as I was doing dishes, I heard a lot of laughter coming from the playroom and decided to go spy on what the kids were doing. If they saw me, it could change the whole energy of the play, so I just stuck my camera into the doorway and managed to remain unseen (and they continued playing for another 20 minutes or so). This is what was happening:



It is so heartwarming to witness all three of our sons having such a great time together. It really does make the hard work of it all seem totally worth it. I also appreciate the individual relationships that Lukas and Jasper each have with Zeben. Out of the three kids, Lukas and Zeben are the most alike (in appearance, according to the general public (as I've said before, I think Zeb looks slightly more like Jaz than like Luke), and in personality, according to me), and I think they have a special bond because of this. Zeben calls Lukas "brother," as if it's his name (though he also calls him "Dukas" sometimes, more often than not he's just "brother"). If they had been the twins, we probably would have gotten many more "are they identical?" questions (as is, it was amazing how many people asked us that about Luke and Jaz, who barely even looked related).

Part of the similarity is just their coloring, and I imagine this will be even more striking once Zeben gets his freckles (he has a faint splattering across his nose at this point; they'll probably explode next summer).


Along with the coloring, Zeben seems to have inherited the same "highly sensitive" traits that Lukas has, and luckily for him, we're already well-practiced in how to help him manage his feelings. At the moment he's going through a phase of being terrified of the bathtub, and Lukas went through a similar phase (though not quite as extreme) when he was Zeben's age. Luke and Zeb have a really special thing in the mornings, because they both wake up before the rest of us and start playing together in bed. Luke can get frustrated when Zeben has an especially nursing-heavy wake-up, but if Zeben is game, it brings out the best in Luke and the two of them will often play for up to an hour while Lena, Jaz and I are trying to sleep. Zeben used to be somewhat afraid of Lukas, I think because Luke could just be so intense with him, hugging him too tightly, wanting to control him too much, and Zeb definitely used to prefer Jaz. But I've been noticing lately that if Zeben gets mad at me and Lena's not home, he'll cry out, "I need Brother!" and a hug from Luke can make it all better (you know, like when I tell Zeben "no!" after he's thrown my laptop on the floor).

Jaz and Zeb have a very steady and calm relationship. They both adore each other. I can't really think of a time when they've fought, though Jaz is perhaps less likely to engage with Zeben than Lukas is. He's also less likely to challenge him if Zeben takes something of his or wants something that Jaz is using. Jaz always has smiles for Zeb and I'm especially fond of the "he is soooo cute!" smile that he gives him when Zeben does something especially adorable. He does whatever he can to make Zeben happy. I think he tends to appreciate Zeben's babyness more than Lukas does (for Lukas it's frustrating, and for Jaz it's endearing), and he really wants to take care of him. Lately, Zeb has taken to calling out, "good-bye Jazzy!" when we drop the big kids off at school. I love it! While Jaz and Zeb may not be as alike as Luke and Zeb, my guess is that their relationship will always be relatively easy just because they appreciate each other so deeply.

Don't they look alike?

Both Luke and Jaz are always asking me, "how old will Zeben be when we're 8?" or "how old will we be when Zeben's 5?" It is hard for them to imagine him ever being as big as they are in this moment. They talk about how when Lena and I are "old ladies," they'll take care of Zeben, as if he will morph into being their son when they grow up. I can only hope that Zeb will enjoy these surrogate parents as he gets older, that he will see his two big brothers as an asset and not just more people telling him what to do. Because I think he's pretty lucky to have Luke and Jaz, to be growing up in their shadows, yes, but also in the extra bright spotlight created by not 2, but 4 sets of loving eyes shining directly on him.