"I don't have a Papa."

A couple of weeks ago, we were sitting around in the kitchen with some of our mama and papa friends while our collection of children ate their supper at the table in the next room. And I overheard, as the little ones reached for slices of pizza and settled themselves into their seats, a most fascinating conversation. One of our small friends, nearly five years old, asked something along the lines of "where is your papa?" to Jaz. This particular small friend is quite familiar with our family structure (and the structure of many other families in our town, seriously, this kid could very well work for the census), so the question was asked in a joking tone. But Jaz answered rather seriously,

"I don't have a Papa."

He paused, and so did I, momentarily distracted from meal preparation.

"And I'm OK with it."

He spoke calmly and confidently, as if he had rehearsed his response--and perhaps he has, perhaps this is a response he's had to give many times with friends at school--and he didn't seem the least bit annoyed or bothered by the question. He went on:

"And, I do have 5 uncles, two grandfathers and one great-grandfather."

By this point, curious small friend had lost interest and wasn't listening, and I got the sense that the last bit was added on for Jasper's own benefit, as he reassured himself of the presence of the important and beloved men in his life. And it was that last sentence that really struck me because it isn't part of the story we've told the kids over the years about our family. Though we have always chosen to focus on what our family is rather than what it isn't (e.g. "our family has a mom and a mama" vs. "our family doesn't have a papa"), we haven't purposefully expanded our definition of family beyond the "two moms, four kids" description. In fact, I have always been careful not to introduce the concept of a "substitute father" by pointing out the significant men in the kids' lives, and I certainly would never have suggested that having "5 uncles, two grandfathers and one great-grandfather" would somehow make up for not having a Papa. Not that I think that's what Jaz was necessarily saying when he added those details to his "I don't have a Papa, and I'm OK with it," explanation.

I guess what surprised me was the way that he seemed to be justifying his two-mom family as an acceptable alternative (to a "typical" one-mom, one-dad family) because:

a) he's OK with it, and
b) he has a lot of men in his extended family.

It made me think that somehow he's picked up on the fact that society at large finds fault in lesbian families. Because the truth is that these ARE the issues that people seem to have with the lesbian family structure. People worry that children of lesbians will yearn for a "normal," heterosexual family unit and that they will suffer for being deprived of relationships with men (this worry seems especially prevalent in regards to lesbians raising sons). Even really well-meaning, otherwise supportive, loving people in our life have commented in such a way as to imply that our kids need or would benefit from a "father figure."

I don't deny that the kids might sometimes want a Papa. This is something we talk about, at least with Luke and Jaz. A few years ago, Lena and I participated in a survey of lesbian families, and when we completed it, the woman doing the study sent us a copy of the book, "The Daddy Machine" as a thank-you gift. And despite the b-grade illustrations and the ridiculously rhyming text, Luke and Jaz love it. The general plot line is about a brother and sister--with lesbian moms--who decide that even though they love their two moms, life might be even better if they could have two moms AND one dad. The kids build a machine that makes daddies, and are soon overwhelmed with way too many dads--who do all of the things that dads do--before ultimately deciding to send all the dads back into the machine (aside from 2 who decide to stay and move in next door as lovers?). Frequently after we read this book, we will have a small discussion about what it would be like to have a dad, how our life would be different, what Luke and Jaz would want to do with their dad. Usually the conversation digresses into a discussion of what other kinds of machines the kids would like to make, but I'm glad that we're at least attempting to talk about this stuff now. I'm certain that it will be a much more complicated topic when the kids are older, and I'm glad that we're building some sort of a foundation to perhaps make those future discussions easier.

I have never worried about a lack of men in the kids' lives. Truthfully, there are more men actively involved in loving them than there were in my life when I was little, but even if there weren't, this is not something that would worry me. It is important to me that they be exposed to people of all genders (including transgender and gender queer), but we have never gone out of our way to make sure that they are spending "enough" time with men. We find that it happens quite naturally. Even when Luke and Jaz were babies, I remember that they would often crawl into the lap of the one daddy--among dozens of mothers--who brought his daughter to the local parents' center. It always made me laugh. They know how to get their needs--whatever those needs may be--met. And I really, truly, honestly believe that they would be absolutely fine even if there weren't any men in their lives at all, that a lack of male role models would not necessarily have a negative impact on what kind of men our sons grow up to be (assuming, that is, that they grow up to be men . . . as we say in our family, "most boys grow up to be men, but not all").

All of this is not to imply that we are not incredibly grateful for the men in our extended family who love our sons so well. The more people who love our kids, the better. And it is so very reassuring to me to know that these are the men that Jaz (at least) thinks of when contemplating his lack of a Papa. I couldn't really ask for a better group of "male role models."

Leo (9.5 months) and Uncle Ethan

Leo loving Ethan

Luke and 3 uncles, together on the kitchen couch
Uncles, L to R: Will, Ethan and Max

I would love to hear how other Papa-less families have approached this topic with their children (or plan to, if your kids are still babies). Please share below!