1/8/11

Undone

Sometimes weeks go by and I don't check in here at all. Other times, I will spend several hours reading through old posts and comments, studying photographs, piecing together the story of the last few years of my life. I am amazed by how much the kids have grown over the course of my time writing here. Luke and Jaz have changed from round-faced preschoolers into lanky second-graders. Zeb has been transformed from my delicious baby into the funny little (four-year-old!) guy that he is today. And Leo was conceived and birthed and has now grown big enough to where he is no longer simply a baby in the chaos, but the running, tumbling, talking, cause of much chaos (in a most fabulous way, most of the time)!

I am so grateful to those of you--and there have been many--who have continued to write to me and encourage me, and send love, despite my long, unexplained absence and my lack of response. It was never my intent to abandon the blog all together, and I apologize for not being more forthcoming about my status.

Our family has endured a very difficult autumn and is now taking on a new form. Lena and I have been living apart for a few months, and the kids began dividing their time between two homes in November. I am not currently planning on writing about the experience of separation-- nor more generally about my marriage--in this space, but I do hope to return to blogging about parenting, in one way or another.

I assure you that all of us are physically well, that Lena and I are striving to be our most gracious and best selves as we navigate this painful, emotional transition, and that our children remain very, very loved.

62 comments:

sassyshell said...

I am glad to hear you are well, and sorry to hear about the hard changes your family is going through. Best of luck and take care of yourself! :)

keight dukes said...

i am sorry for the tough stuff going on with yall, and definitely respect your decision to not elaborate here. but i am SO glad to read that you are coming back to blogging. i have missed your "voice," as strange as that sounds. just reading your posts make me calmer and more at ease. wishing your family nothing but the best!

laura said...

<3 :) missed you. love ya! We'll keep praying for you

Elizabeth said...

I'm so sorry for the tough time ya'll are going through. I hope that things get better for you and your family soon. I have really missed your blog. I look forward to more of your posts. Take care of yourself and take all the time you need. Many of your readers will still be here.

Wishing you the best..

~ Elizabeth

Jessica Mott said...

My heart breaks for you and your family. I hope you all find the peace and love you so very much deserve. I have been a long-time reader of your blog and always admired (envied?) your marriage, but your current situation shows that no outsider can see another's relationship clearly. Your family has touched me and I wish you the best that life can bring.

Megan said...

My thoughts are with you. There is no easy way to do the things you are doing but I hope that the transition goes as well as it can go.

Rebekah said...

I am so incredibly sorry you are all going through such a painful time. It is good to hear from you though and know that despite a very difficult season, you are ok. Thinking of you all ...

Kelly said...

Lex, I am so sorry to hear of all that has happened. The boys are resilient and will continue to thrive on love. Wishing you and your family peace and all of the best that life has to offer. As Rebecca said, you have touched so many, simply through your words and photographs, and there is a genuinely affectionate hug wrapping around your family from cyberspace. Stay strong, Mama. Keep in touch as you are able to. <3

Kathryn said...

So glad to hear that your family continues to thrive through all times, as it always will. Happy, happy birthday to Zeb! Cannot believe he is 4!
Missed your voice and hope it comes back full force and is able to provide you with some space and thoughtfulness and support.

Susan said...

That your boys are all very loved is beyond doubt. So sorry for the pain and difficulty that brought you here. Looking forward to seeing more of your beautiful family and the return of your voice as you're ready. Take care.

Mama Cas said...

I'm so sorry to hear the news...I had truly hoped that this wasn't the reason for your absence. I respect your decision to not bare all of the details here. Maybe someday it will feel right to put the experience into words...or maybe not. You have my sympathies and I only wish the best for your family.

Lynsie said...

good to see you back, stay well.

Anonymous said...

Good to hear from you again, and so sorry you're going through such a tough time. Wishing you all peace and a light at the end of the tunnel.

Sara said...

Thanks for coming back, you have truly been missed by all those you have touched through your blog. I am truly sorry for all the pain your family will and is going through in this change. I continue to believe still, that we walk the path we are met to, I wish you all the best in this part of your journey. Your whole family is being held in love by many hearts....

Charlie said...

It was a hard autumn for all.
I'm glad you are posting. I hope you are well.

Kathryn said...

I'm sad that you and your family have been going through a difficult time. I'm glad to hear that you are all physically well and it is so clear that your children are so very loved. I wish you lots of love, light, peace, and grace as you continue through the transitions you are making; I gently encourage you to be keep being kind to yourself as well as others as you navigate these changing waters. And I hope that you and Lena and your children will feel only love and support from this space.

Although I don't know you personally, I am one of many people that have touched by your blog, so I look forward to your future blogging about parenting. Because, in part of your posts about holiday traditions, we decided to come up with our own family tradition for New Year's Eve. We decided to light a candle and sing "Happy Birthday" to the earth and make wishes for the earth. I think that's something that I might now have done if it weren't for blogs like yours.

May the wonder and joy of your and your children's ever growing and exploring and playing and fabulous chaos-creating and quiet changing and loving hearts be the source of many beautiful moments in 2011.

coastalwaves said...

I'm sorry to read this news, Lex. Wishing you all strength as you navigate this new journey.

And welcome back to this space.

Anonymous said...

I hope peace for all of you in 2011

Heather S. said...

I've really missed your blog and I'm very sorry to hear about you and Lena. Best wishes to you and all your boys.

kim said...

Aww, Lex. So sorry. I am praying for your family. I, like everyone else here, miss your gentle wisdom on parenting.

When you are ready, we'll be here.

NJ @ A Pocket Full Of Dinosaurs said...

I've been wondering about you for while, if you were okay and how you and your team was doing. I am glad to see that you're "back". Its interesting, because we live in the Valley. I saw you at the market in early autumn with your broad of boys and wanted to tell you face to face how much I've missed your posts. I didn't because I felt like it was crossing some sort of weird boundary.

Suzanne said...

What a well-written and articulated post. So sorry to hear about the difficult fall - I hope things get easier, but thank you for letting us all know you are ok.

Bree said...

Lex, I've been missing your lovely posts and thinking about you and your family. I agree with everyone else that I will be so happy to "hear" your voice again on the blog.

Nancy Cavillones said...

Glad to see your update here. I saw you with your crew at the pizza place last week but didn't think it was my place to interrupt and ask. Hang in there.

Unknown said...

So nice to see you back, Lex! All the best to you and your family in the new year.

Unknown said...

So nice to see you back, Lex! All the best to you and your family in the new year.

Melissa said...

I'm so sorry to hear Lex... although glad that you are all doing relatively well, regardless. Sending you all our love and best wishes from Ontario.

Mama Bean said...

Oh, it's hard. So, so, so hard. But it gets better, I promise. At 9 months into separation, I'm still working on reconstituting my parenting vision and figuring out how to go the step beyond just meeting everyone's needs, but I'm also at peace...
Please be gentle and loving with yourself. You're in my thoughts.

Unknown said...

Lex, Undone? Maybe not. I doubt that there are any statistics on same sex married couples, but heterosexual couples that divorce remarry the same person 20% of the time.
Although I am not in your shoes (I am 51, straight, married, 2 teens) I can tell you that when the kid were little was the most stressful time in our relationship, and you two have 4 small ones. There is something about being "on duty" 24 hours per day, never knowing when you are going to sleep or be woken up during the night, having kids that are mobile enough to really get hurt but not old enough to have safety judgment, the list goes on and on.
I hope you are able to get back together in time. But, sometimes taking a break from each other is just the right medicine, too.
Best wishes,
Lynne in MD

Any Mom said...

I am sorry about the changes in your family, but I am glad everyone is still happy and loved.

I am also glad you are going to continue on with the blog as I have been enjoying it on and off for years. I find reading your blog an excellent source of grounding and reminder of my own ideals.

Anonymous said...

Welcome back to your space. You have been missed.

Ninefirefly said...

I am sorry. There are no words really. I hope the new year brings more joyful posts than sad and you will look back in a few years on this time and be amazed at this new chapter in your life.

Unknown said...

Lex, I'm sorry for the painful time you're going through. You are an amazing mom and the shape of your family might be changing but that fact is not. Sending peace to you and your family, and hoping you will find your way back to blogging in time.

Rose said...

I am so glad you are posting again. I hope to see more beautiful photos and read more stories about being an AP parent to 4 boys, in whatever family arrangement is right for you all.

Unknown said...

I would try to say something new, but when I read keight dukes' reply I thought, "that's what I was going to say!" So there you have it. I'm SO glad that you are coming back!

Witty said...

oh... i am so, so sorry. i am so sad for y'all, i know it just must be a heart-wrenching time. but those boys are lucky to have two wonderful parents, i am sure everything will work out well. my thoughts and prayers are with you. very glad to see you back, i have very much missed your blog.

Stacy said...

I've been a long time reader and have always found your parenting to be inspiring and motivating. The respect you have for your children is beautiful.

May you find peace, healing and grace during this time of change.

sara said...

Wishing you and wishing your boys lots of good times and happiness in 2011. Must say that I, too, am so glad to see you back here.

KraftyKay said...

I have also been wondering about you and hoping you have been well. I wish you and your family love, humor, and strength as you navigate this next chapter. I've missed your writing here and do hope that you decide to return to it when you're ready.

Anonymous said...

sad news, but happy to hear you're working through it and that the boys are all well and loved. So many couples I know are experiencing change and separation and it fills my heart with gladness when they do it with compassion and respect. <3 you'll all be in my thoughts.

Anonymous said...

You have been missed, even by those of us who are random lurkers. I've always admired your creative projects and gentle way of parenting, and find the blog very inspiring to me in my own journey raising boys. I'm also sorry to hear about your difficulties of last year, but have hope for all of you that 2011 will be a year of greater peace and contentment. Welcome back, Lex!

Sarah Buttenwieser said...

Those adorable boys will help you through & you'll help them through.

Life can be so bumpity.

Glad you're searching again for this voice.

Lindsay said...

Sending a virtual squeeze. Thank you for "checking in." Even though we don't "know" each other, I've been wondering about you. Your blog is one of the ones that inspired me to start my own, when DP and I found out we were pregnant (finally!). Be well, and take care of you (and those precious babes).

Dee said...

I'm sorry to hear you all are going through a rough time, but I wish your entire family the best!

Anonymous said...

I had read your blog over a year ago, and it stuck with me...which means that what i'd read must have touched me in some wonderful way :)
I spent the last 20 minutes combing my mind to remember the name of your blog...and finally I did! It's nice to know that while you've ceased blogging for some time, you're not done altogether.
I empathize with your current situation. I've been there.
While I know it doesn't help your situation, I would love it if you continued to blog.
I will read it.
There's never a lack of words or experiences when you have kids!

~ Cee ~ said...

I have been reading your blog for some time after finding a link to it on the mothering.com forums. I have taken such inspiration from your posts in my own journey as a parent. I hope that you will continue to write, but also hope that you will find joy, peace, and healing in the coming months. Best to you and your family, Cee

Rebekah said...

Please come back again soon. I know life must be very hard right now, but I also know that I am not the only one who needs your example of playful, intelligent, loving, gentle parenting. Please return when you can!

Witty said...

we all miss you. :(

Unknown said...

I first found you when on MDC while I was pregnant and for a few years now I take spurts where every few months I get on your blog and catch up on what I have missed in your life... When I popped on today I was truly sad for you... I just wanted to say that you and your family have really been an inspiration for me... through good & bad & although I've not commented before & I'm really late on it now, I just wanted to say that you and your babies are in my thoughts...

Avery said...

We truly miss you and hope that everyone is adjusting fine. I keep checking back to see if there is any type of updates. Long story straight, I've been a silent reading from the VERY beginning. As a young teenager reading mothering (I too, always wanted to be a mother from a young age) to reading the queer forum on there and seeing your posts, to reading this blog when you first started it. As I read through these posts I kept hoping that one day I will be lucky and have what you guys have. I know right now you guys are dealing with heavy issues, but know that there are people out here sending love and support, even if we don't truly know you.

Thank you so much for sharing yourself with all of us.

Much love,
Amber Nicole

Unknown said...

Just thought you should know that I'm thinking of you and that I check in here every few days hoping (but without any pressure or expectation) that I might get to read a bit from you again.

Annette said...

I was just poking through the multiples forum on MDC and found one of your old posts and thought to check here. I hope you're doing well and wish you all good things.

Anonymous said...

are you blogging elsewhere? i miss your posts and kindred thoughts. i hope you are well, i realize its been months since you posted this, but i was going through my reader and clearing out blogs i never read, and there you were. as a (mostly) single, queer parent, i empathize and hope for your return to the blogging world.
nashifeet.blogspot.com
rosadesal@gmail.com
-chelsea

Anonymous said...

Every so often I check in to see if you've been around, and to take a moment to send a some positive thoughts your way. Thank you for leaving this document of your life and parenting. As I start down this journey myself your story is an inspiration.

Rebekah said...

Just wanted to come back again and tell you I am thinking of all of you and I hope you are well. I know I am one of many who hopes you will let us know how you are doing these days, even if it's to say life is hard and sucks right now. We have all been there, in one way or another. I really wish you the best and hope you will write again.

sara said...

Saw your name come up on "Circle of Moms" voting list for Top 25 Biking Family blogs this week. Made me think, yet again, about you and your kiddos. Wanted to let you know that folks who followed your journey through "Totally Smitten Mama" continue to think of you and wish you well.

Meg said...

Lex,
I recently came across your blog and read through it in about a week. I just couldn't stop. Thank you so much for this little window into your life. Your gentle parenting philosophy and general outlook on life are so inspiring for me - and obviously for many others as well. When I read your last post, I was very sad for you. I know how painful a situation like this can be. But I also have seen such a love for your children in your posts that I know one day it will all be okay. Pulling through it everyday is hard but one day you will wake up and realize everything is somehow alright again - maybe changed but alright none the less. Sending positive vibes your way! Hope to hear from you again when you are ready.

Rebekah said...

I miss hearing about your beautiful kids. It's been over a year since we've seen them. I hope you all are well and I hope you'll write again sometime soon. If not here, then somewhere else ... but please tell those of us following you here where to find you. You're still thought of frequently.

Kelly said...

Sending good vibes your way and hoping all is well. You and your beautiful family are thought of often and are missed.

Jezamyn said...

Just dropping by to say that I miss your writing. Yours was one of my favorite blogs, and I've kept it on my feed just in case you decide to come back eventually. I hope you are well.

maybest said...

I also check back here frequently wanting to hear how you and your family are doing. I still model so much of my family on your expression of yours and I try not to miss all the joy because days are hard. I wish you well and hope you still see so much light and love.

Kathryn said...

I just wanted to echo what Jezamyn said in her comment above. I too miss your writing and hope you and your family are well. Peace, joy, love, and light to you.