So Many Answers (part 2)

ABOUT GETTING PREGNANT

I would love to know more about how you approached the process of conceiving children. Did you always know you wanted to use a donor? How and where did you look? From what I understand, it is very costly. Is this true, and how did you afford it? Can you tell me more about how you handled the enormous weight of the insemination and what it meant for your family? How did you deal with those two weeks until you could test?!?!?

I always knew that I wanted to be pregnant at least once, so I guess that means that I always knew I wanted to use a donor (since getting pregnant “the old fashioned way” wasn’t an option). Actually, before I even knew that I was gay, before I even got my period for the first time, I did very much want to get pregnant (I wanted to be a teen mom), and I used to fantasize about how I would get a sperm bank to sell me some sperm even though I was only 13 (I thought about having my older sister buy some for me). So maybe using donor sperm WAS always part of the plan! When Lena and I actually got to the point of getting ready to add sperm to the mix (8 years later), we considered all of our Sperm Donor Options (i.e. using a known donor, buying sperm from a bank, getting drunk and going to a bar, etc.). There were a few men in our life who we thought about asking, but we were nervous about it. Lena, especially, felt like maybe using someone we didn’t know would be easier. I ended up asking my OB/GYN, and she recommended a few Sperm Banks for us to check out online. We ended up using the California Cryobank.

At the time, sperm varied in price from about $150 to $300 a vial (these days it’s more like $200 to $500 a vial). When I remarked about this on the phone to my mom, she exclaimed that obviously we ought to go with the more expensive sperm (in my extended family more expensive is often believed to really mean better). I think she said something like, “this is not the time to be thrifty!” When I explained that we couldn’t afford the more expensive sperm (I think we had about $1,000 saved, total), she insisted that she and my dad would buy the pricier sperm for us. I always loved how when people would ask if my parents were supportive of my choice to get pregnant when I was only 22 years old, I could say, “supportive? They paid for the sperm!” After Luke and Jaz were born, they also went ahead and bought us some extra sperm to keep in storage for a future sibling since they liked the way our first two kids turned out so well. Because I got pregnant on the first try, it actually didn’t cost us that much to conceive Luke and Jaz. The total cost (including the cost of the IUIs, done at the doctor’s office) was under $1,000 (and we got TWO babies!). Zeben was our most expensive baby since it took 3 cycles to conceive him (about $3,000). And with Leo, our insurance mysteriously covered the cost of the insemination (it wasn’t supposed to, but we're not complaining), so we only had to pay for the one vial of sperm. It sucks to have to pay to get pregnant, but I figure not having to pay for birth control might end up meaning that we break even with our heterosexual peers in the end.

The TTC (“trying to conceive”) rollercoaster is never exactly fun, but I think I handled it pretty well just because I was so excited to at least be trying. I actually had a harder time in the first half of each TTC cycle than I did with the two-week-wait that occurs post-insemination. Figuring out the timing of the inseminations was the most stressful part for me. Once the sperm was on board, I felt like there wasn’t anything left for me to do except hope. When we weren’t successful (the first two cycles trying for baby #3), I found peace in the fact that I only had to wait another two weeks until I could try again. Actually, we had to take two cycles off from inseminating after our first two unsuccessful tries for the second pregnancy, and that was probably the hardest part for me (we decided to wait because we didn’t want the baby to be born right when Lena was starting grad. school). Our last attempt at making a baby was by far the easiest one for me since it wasn’t my body! Also, the craziness of our life with our three already-born children was a good distraction. I did still stress out about the timing, and there was a lot of pressure since we only had one chance to use the same donor we had used for our other pregnancies. But I do believe in some version of “everything happens for a reason,” and I tried to put my faith in that and just know that our baby would come to us at the right time. I also tried to focus on the fact that each month was bringing us closer to our baby, even if we weren't pregnant yet. Again, it was just so exciting to me that we were actually trying to get pregnant, and I wasn’t that attached to a particular outcome, even though I did think it would work each time we tried (otherwise, why would we even bother?). I also think it's best to avoid peeing on pregnancy tests until your period is already late (or at least due!). For me, getting a negative pregnany test was worse than just waiting to bleed. Of course, all of this is easy for me to be cheery about since compared to many people we know, TTC was relatively easy for us.

We have had a pretty amazing success rate with getting pregnant (5 cycles trying, 3 pregnancies), and while I think that could be due purely to luck, I thought I would also share a few tips (which may or may not be applicable to others). We decided to jump straight to Intra-Uterine Insemination (IUI) because I read a study that showed it was more effective than Intra-Cervical Insemination (ICI) or Intra-Vaginal Insemination (IVI). It made more sense to me to spend more money initially (because of the increased cost of the washed sperm and the IUI procedure (which generally has to be done at a clinic and isn’t covered by insurance (ours cost about $175 each)) in the hopes of getting pregnant faster (and spending less money overall). IUI with frozen sperm requires very precise timing (the sperm may live as little as 8 hours once inside the uterus), so we opted to do 2 inseminations per cycle, despite the fact that our doctor told us this was unnecessary. The timing I read was most effective was to do the first IUI 12 hours after a positive Ovulation Predictor Kit (OPK), and the second IUI 22 hours later. Figuring out this precise timing required using multiple high-quality (I like the Clear Blue Easy brand) OPKs a day in the days leading up to ovulation. For our second two successful cycles, we also used an HCG trigger shot. This allows you to get the timing even more accurate since ovulation generally occurs 36 hours after the shot. With our current pregnancy, we only had one vial of sperm, so we only did one IUI, at the 36-hour point. One of the main reasons why I think we have been so successful in getting pregnant is because we’ve been using sperm with really good numbers (a high number of motile sperm). This happened simply by chance, but I would urge anyone who is TTC with frozen donor sperm to prioritize the donor’s sperm count when choosing a donor. Some banks will give you this information before you purchase the sperm, and those are the only banks you should be working with. You want to be using the BEST in regards to sperm numbers that the bank has to offer (not their average).


ABOUT BEING A MOM

What have you done since the kids were very little that you really feel you got right with parenting? What about wrong?

I think we’ve done a pretty great job of being in touch with our parenting instincts and not feeling pressured to do things a certain way based on advice from family members, pediatricians, or parenting “experts.” We just do what feels right, and don’t make parenting choices that make us feel guilty or that we don’t completely believe in. At the same time, we have always been very gentle with ourselves as parents, in that we allow ourselves to make mistakes and to change our minds, and to do things differently from how we thought we would. We’re very much in favor of experimentation. In this way, there isn’t really room to do anything “wrong,” if we feel like something isn’t working, or doesn't sit well, we simply stop doing it.


What has been the greatest, unexpected blessing of being a mom?

I think being a parent helps you to not take little things for granted. It’s amazing how happy you can feel just to have all of your kids in bed at a reasonable hour! And we really appreciate getting the chance to sleep-in every now and then. Along the same lines, just getting to experience everything again, through your kids’ eyes, is really wonderful. Most everything that we do with the kids, as opposed to without them, is made more fun simply for having them with us. Like going to the beach, or going on a hike, or having a new baby. Their excitement about the world is never-ending and very contagious. It reminds us to feel the same way.

Lena enjoying the ocean with her sons

What have you found more difficult than you ever imagined?

Lots of things about parenting are difficult. I remember that when Luke and Jaz were babies, I'd often have to remind myself that we didn't decide to have kids because we thought it would be easy. At the same time, I think the vast majority of my imagined life-with-kids was pretty rosy. My pre-kids fantasies never touched on things like illness and sleep deprivation. Being sick and still having to be a mom is incredibly difficult; luckily it has been a few years since I’ve gotten hit hard by a virus. We’ve been pretty blessed sleep-wise, but there was a very rough patch when Luke and Jaz were toddlers, before I night-weaned them, and you really can feel crazy if the only sleep you’re getting is frequently interrupted. Depriving someone of sleep is actually considered a form of torture, and I completely understand why. Also, the anxiety I felt when pregnant was very unexpected and difficult, and while I think I actually manage to stay pretty laid-back about most things as a non-pregnant mom, it is very intense to worry about the kids. Lukas and Zeben have both been through traumatic hospital stays, and it took me a long time to recover emotionally from those experiences. Feeling worried about the health and/or well-being of your child is probably the worst feeling in the world. And I think it’s something that you can’t really imagine before you’re a parent.


ABOUT OUR DAY-TO-DAY LIVES

Do either of you work outside of the home?

Lena is just beginning her maternity leave (she graduated with her masters degree (and a 4.0 GPA!) last week), but until recently she was a full-time student with a full-time research assistantship. I work very part-time as a car seat technician for a local baby gear shop. We are both planning to work about 20 hours a week starting in the fall (Lena doing forestry research and data analysis, and me as an elementary school substitute teacher and at a new maternal wellness center).


Is your life truly as idyllic and wonderful as you portray it or do you make a conscious decision to record it on your blog in this manner?

Yes, I do think my life is pretty idyllic, especially in the grand scheme of things! We feel incredibly blessed. Of course there are less-than-fun times in our house just like there are in all families, but I certainly don’t go out of my way to avoid blogging about those happenings. Ever since I was a teenager, I’ve written on the first page of every journal:

This book
is about the truth
and also hope.

I think that’s what this blog is about too. I’m documenting the very real things going on in our life, and it is in my nature to write optimistically. I believe that Lena and I have both been happier since I started writing the blog, and I think that’s in part due to having it as a reminder of all that is wonderful in our lives.

That said, we have stresses just like everyone else. The biggest stress at the moment is the fact that my mom has suddenly decided--in relation to my parents' divorce--to put her house on the market sometime soon. Her house being sold will leave us not-exactly-homeless, but land-less, and with some homeless goats and chickens (and without a garage for the bakfiets)! So we are trying to figure out what we will do if the house sells--or if we should even wait for it to actually sell before doing something--and it feels very unsettling (and the timing is unfortunate since we are preparing our nest to welcome our new baby). If we owned our house and the land that we are farming, THEN I think life would really feel ideal. But even with things as they are, we realize that we're living a very dreamy existence.


Not that you don't have enough animals running around, but why don't you have a dog?

Our first baby was a chocolate lab puppy. She was followed six months later by her black lab little sister, and then a few years after that, I brought home the sweetest pound puppy ever (the one Zeben is named after). We were SUCH dog people, and it is crazy to me sometimes to think about how our kids are growing up without any dogs (the black lab was a sickly runt who found a new home when Lena and I were broken-up and I couldn’t afford her extensive medical bills, our pound puppy died of kidney failure a week after Luke and Jaz were born, and our then 4-year-old chocolate lab moved on to a new home about 5 months after her dog-brother died, for a variety of reasons). We will definitely have dogs again someday, probably when we’re done having human babies, and when we own our own house (renting with dogs was very difficult). We also found it hard to give a dog as much attention as necessary once we had two kids taking priority, so ideally when we do get a dog, Luke and Jaz (at least) will be old enough to help the dog feel loved (I also don't really believe in having just one dog, since dogs are pack animals, so we'll likely get two when the time comes).

This is me holding our first baby,
October Toblerone, aka "Toby,"
when she was nearly 2