A few months ago, seemingly out of the blue, Jaz came to us and asked if he could get his ears pierced. I admit that I was a bit taken aback by his request. Here was our most image-conscious, athletic-clothing loving son, suddenly wanting to add earrings to his look? Kindergarten has introduced both Jaz and Luke to a new world of genderized divisions. Whereas in preschool it didn't seem to matter that much if one of their classmates was a girl or a boy, in Kindergarten it has generally been the most important factor in deciding who to play with. Looking out on the playrground when I drop the kids off in the morning, I see clumps of boys, and clumps of girls. Rarely do I witness much interaction between the sexes, unless it involves one group chasing the other. And the color-coding is quite prevalent, especially with all the kids bundled in their (pink/purple or blue/black) snowsuits. My previously pink and purple-loving children threw a fit when I packed a snack in a pink lunchbox one day.
"But you picked this lunchbox out!" I protested, defensively.
"That was when we were four! Now we know that pink is for girls!"
Everything had changed. I mourned the loss of my more open-minded and less-socialized offspring. I wondered if anything that we said would matter anymore, or if the peer culture at school would overwhelm what we were attempting to teach our kids about gender at home.
And now here Jaz was, standing before us in his sporty pants and baseball shirt (an outfit I never would have dressed him in when I was in charge of his wardrobe, deeming it much too "boyish"), telling us that what he wanted most in the world was to get his ears pierced. His friend Melle (the one girl deemed worthy of his attention (actually, he plans to marry her one day)) had gotten her ears pierced for her sixth birthday, and now Jaz wanted to do the same thing. Would we let him?
Lena and I met each other's eyes and we both shrugged. Why not let him get his ears pierced? We had both gotten our ears pierced as young children (I was 5, she was 7) without any negative consequence. I stopped wearing earrings at age 19 (after having to take them out for a dental x-ray, I just never got around to putting them back in), and I figured that if Jaz ever changed his mind, it wouldn't be difficult for him to reverse his decision. Piercing isn't entirely permanent, and many of our grown-men friends have their ears pierced.
But there was part of me that couldn't imagine allowing Jaz to make any alteration at all to his body. His little elfish ears were so perfect and funny-looking just as they were. My stomach lurched at the thought of him feeling the need to change them somehow. If we allowed him to go through with it, would we be encouraging the idea that image matters? That his ears were not already entirely beautiful without any adornment?
Ultimately we decided that it should be his decision. It was his body, and we wanted him to know that he would always be responsible for making choices about whether or not to alter his appearance. In a world where he controls very few things, his physical body belongs to him alone (this was one of the main reasons why we chose not to circumcise our sons; we did not believe that it was our decision to make). We told him that he had to wait until his sixth birthday, just to give him time to change his mind or solidify his choice.
Jaz made a chart, counting down the days, while Lena and I asked around to find out where you could take kids to get their ears pierced. None of the professional piercers/tattoo artists would work with children. Ultimately, we asked Melle's mom where she had taken Melle, and Lena took Jaz to the same upscale jewelry store this past Saturday. The piercer at the store was very clear with her about how he would not pierce any child who seemed the least bit hesitant about having the procedure done. And Jaz didn't waiver in his decision at all. He picked out earrings and hardly even flinched when the first, and then the second, earring went in. All he said was, "I didn't cry at all."
He came home beaming, and quickly ran inside to show Lukas and me his new ears. I was kind of shocked by his choice of earrings. They are so sparkly! 
He picked gold studs with teal jewels. After 6 weeks he can change them out for hoops if he wants to (that was his original plan, and I'm secretly hoping he follows through with it).
He is so pleased with his new look. A little too pleased actually. Yesterday Lena and I were feeling like maybe we had a 13-year-old on our hands. Jaz was being quite fresh and rude. We even broke our "no threats" rule and threatened to take his earrings out if he couldn't remember about listening and using respectful language with a friendly tone. He was all, "I'm too cool to be your kid."
Today he's back to being his normal six-year-old self, and I've gotten used to the way the light sparkles off his earrings when he turns his head.
He was entirely depressed to wake up this morning and discover that it was a snow day (maybe our last?) and that he'd have to wait another day to introduce his friends to his new ears. When I asked him what he thinks his friends will say about the earrings, he didn't hesitate with his response:
"Wow, cool Jaz, you look like a girl!"
I was so surprised to hear him say that. Throughout our ear-piercing discussions, Lena and I had both been so careful to never mention sex or gender. We figured that he didn't know that usually only girl children get their ears pierced. "Why do you think they'll say that?"
"Because usually only girls wear earrings."
"Oh, really?"
"Yeah. Because girls look prettier in earrings than boys do."
"You think?"
"Yeah. But I didn't want them to look pretty. I wanted them to look like a cool dude outfit."
"And do you think they look like a 'cool dude outfit'?"
"Yeah. My favorite thing is that they look so shiny."
Who knows, maybe he'll have started a new trend and soon all the boys in his class will be asking their parents if they can get their ears pierced too (as for Lukas, he says, "I'd get mine pierced except for the gun part of it . . . I might try it when I'm a little bit older").
In other piercing news, yesterday Lena finally decided to take her belly button rings out since her belly has grown to the point where they were starting to bother her. I was very relieved since the rings had been bothering me for quite some time (or rather, the vision of the rings busting through her taut skin is what had been bothering me). It's the start of a whole new era.
3/2/09
Pierced
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8 comments:
Jaz looks so sweet with his new earrings!
I think you handled this beautifully! And he looks pretty cool with the earrings, I have to say.
I'm with you on the gender and socialization thing but I think it's more important to let them do what they want to do (wear really boyish clothes, etc). Forcing them into wearing really boyish clothes or forcing them to NOT wear really boyish clothes... both include forcing them to do something.
Besides, it sounds like your kids are going to be good, well-rounded, cool kids no matter what.
He looks awesome with those things, cooler than cool... I'll teach him how to gauge them when he turns 8. xoxo
Your kid is 6...have you even thought of the infections that can come with ear piercings? I think you made a horrible choice to try to be "cool" parents. You should google the consequences of an ear infection like MRSA of the ear lobes.
Before you want your child to be cool and wear hoops look up what could happen if a rambuctious 6 year old is playing to rough (imagine that, and gets his ear-ring ripped out.
Why not let him make these choices when he can fully take responsibility of them. Such as, cleaning, infections, rough play, etc.
I love your blog, but, I think you made a poor choice allowing your 6 year old to get his ears peirced in what seems like just a lame way to prove you are hip and gender neutral.
Thanks for your honesty, Michelle. I understand that allowing 6-year-olds to get their ears pierced is controversial. We researched it quite a bit before deciding to say yes, and it really seemed like the chance of anything going terribly wrong was incredibly small. We choose not to buy in to much of what our fear-based culture deems as "unsafe" (such as bike riding, for instance). We did tell Jaz that he would be responsible for cleaning his ears twice a day (and he's been doing a great job!), and he knows that if they get infected, we might have to take his earrings out. He also understands that he will have to tape them when playing sports (just like Lena and I had to as kids), and that he needs to be careful when wrestling with his brother. My thought on the hoops is that they would actually be a safer choice since we'd get super tiny hoops that don't dangle below his ears, and thus would eliminate the pointy aspect of the studs he's currently wearing.
If Jaz had been a girl and had come to us with the same request, our decision-making process would have been exactly the same. We didn't let him get his ears pierced because he's a boy, rather we left his sex and/or gender out of the equation. Lena and I both had our ears pierced at young ages without consequence; I'm guessing that that fact weighed most heavily in our ultimately feeling OK with Jaz choosing to get pierced. I assure you that our potential hipness or perceived gender neutrality wasn't a factor at all.
Thanks again for your comment, and I hope you continue to enjoy the blog!
I've had my ears pierced since about that time. I think I was actually five when they were done. I've never had an infection, and I've never had them ripped out. I also played soccer, baseball, and several other sports, as well as being a self-proclaimed tomboy, climbing trees and wrestling with my own little brother. There are some dangers that are exaggerated.
I think you made the right choice, and I can definitely see the practice catching on.
Michelle,
I do not appreciate your ignorance or your paranoia. Lex is the last person on earth that would do anything just to "be cool and hip."
As a tattooist I know quite a bit about piercings, infections and what kind of body modifications are appropriate at what ages. Infections are not usually caused by the piercing, rather they are caused by lack of care and hygeine, or in some cases, if there is an allergic reaction to the earring's particular material. Unless someone is pierced with an unsterilized needle or in an unsterile environment, something as simple as a lobe piercing is virtually risk-free. Yes, we can sit and google the possible risks of anything from a piercing to sliding down a slide to eating toast. Does that mean we should refrain from doing anything that could somehow possibly go wrong or present a danger? No. It means we should take the precautions necessary to live as healthy but as free as we can. Michelle, you should google the risks of being uptight- it turns out it lessens your life expectancy.
Okay... so I'm a few days late to get in on this discussion but I can't resist. As someone who has had the pleasure of actually knowing Lex for 21 years (omg, 21 years!!!), I cannot agree more with Fiona (Lex's li'll sis). Lex is the last person on earth that would do anything just to "be cool and hip."
Secondly, my sister and I had our ears pierced on the same day when I was 1 and she was 5. Neither one of us died, lost an ear, or had a single infection. With responsible parents it will be fine. Lex and Lena are responsible parents.
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