Same Kid, Different Driveway

It's the last day of school for your twin kindergarteners, a fact that you--oh so typically--seem to have forgotten until this morning, when you are also reminded that this means a noon dismissal. You are quickly baking a mini pound cake (using eggs from your own chickens and goat milk that you milked with your own hands) for each of the four teachers who nourished and enhanced the lives of your six-year-olds for the past nine months, while simultaneously trying to write them each a note about how truly thankful you are for all that they do. You have 45 minutes left before pick-up, and only one card completed. You have been trying to entertain your two-year-old with an episode (or 3) of Charlie and Lola on the portable dvd player, but you look up from your prose to see his pajama bottoms running out the door into the wet morning. In the time it takes you to cap your pen, glance at your still-baking pound cakes, and follow him outside, he has already managed to jump in two different puddles.

Do you:

a) Grab your toddler and carry him back inside to watch more videos, locking the door behind you.

b) Explain to your toddler that he can jump in the puddles after he puts some more appropriate clothes (and boots!) on, and after you finish baking your pound cakes.

OR

c) Go back inside by yourself to grab your camera so that you can photograph your puddle jumping rain lover in his #1 element.


And just for the record? The children were collected from school, and the cards and still-warm cakes were delivered right on time. But even if things hadn't worked out so June Cleaver-ly, everything still would have been OK. Because the frantic energy of a mom who often feels more like a poser than an actual parent of school-aged children had been replaced by the joyful energy of a mom freshly reminded about what matters most of all: taking the time to play in the mud.

So Many Answers (part 3)

ABOUT MATERIAL THINGS

I notice that you make a lot of gifts for friends and family rather than purchase them. that has inspired me to do much of the same, because honestly, something home made is FAR better than something you pick up at the store. not to mention, i think the economic situation has inspired a lot of us to be more self sustaining. what is your motivation for being so "green"?

The movie, “The story of stuff,” was very inspirational for me, and after I saw it for the first time, I vowed to buy as little “stuff” as possible. Also, I try to make sure that the stuff that I DO buy is really essential, high-quality stuff that will not end up in a landfill in six months (as most stuff does). So my motivation for making handmade gifts is primarily environmental. I also prefer to receive handmade things, so it seems logical to give what I would prefer to get. For the kids, it’s a way that they can participate in gifting something to one of their friends, since they don’t have money to buy presents. They can help me think up the idea of what to make, pick fabrics, help design the pattern, etc. I find handmade gifts to be priceless and to mean so much more than anything store-bought.


I am curious where you found a lot of the great playthings you have for your kids. Specifically, I'd love to know where you got the process table and the large wooden trucks that are in the kids' playroom.

The trucks and the process table both came from one of my favorite companies: Community Playthings. The boys had some expensive, handmade wooden trucks when they were younger, and most of them broke within a year. That was upsetting for me since one of the reasons why I enjoy wooden toys is because, generally speaking, they're built to last! The trucks at Community Playthings come with a 10-year-warranty, but they're so solid that I'd be shocked if they ever broke. One of my other most favorite companies is Camden Rose. In general, I search for open-ended, high-quality toys that encourage joint play and appeal to a range of ages. I especially appreciate handmade toys because I think you can really feel the love energy in them.

What is your favorite type of overnight cloth diaper? favorite cover? prefolds or fitteds? favorite diaper material?

For overnight use, I prefer to use an organic cotton Dream-eze fitted under an aristocrat soaker. I like to use wool covers best, and I don’t think I could pick a top favorite, but I love (in no particular order): loveybums jersey knit, firefly easy wool, kiwi pie kiwi peel, and little beetle wraps. I used strictly prefolds and flats in the early months with the first three kids, but I’ve invested in some fitteds for the newborn days this time around (mostly because Lena can’t stand prefolds, and also because they’re just so cute and this may be our last chance to try them!). Usually once babies get to the squirmy/crawling stage, I start to prefer AIOs for daytime use. I love the Bumgenius sized all-in-ones and the Dream-eze organic AIOs best. I like the feel and absorbency of organic cotton, but microfiber dries better (softer) on the line, so I'm torn about what my favorite diaper material is. If we didn't have a machine dryer, I'd definitely pick microfiber, but otherwise I guess I like organic cotton best (and this will be our first experience trying bamboo, so we'll see about that). I don't particularly care for hemp since in my experience it gets quite stiff and is prone to stinkiness.

Zeben at 4 months, wearing one of my favorite diaper covers,
made by Fuzbaby

Since reading your Christmas entries I've wondered endlessly about the source of your 'gift wrap scarves' and the techniques Lena used to apply them.

I bought the silks as blanks when Luke and Jaz were babies, and I’ve dyed them using both kool-aid and the dye that I use to dye t-shirts and diapers (not intended specifically for silk, but it works fine). The playsilks are one of the best toys in our playroom and are played with nearly every day. Lena’s directions about using playsilks as giftwrap:

“I lay out the playsilks, often doubling up since they’re somewhat see-through. I put the package on top of the silk so that it looks like a diamond on top of a square, with each corner of the package pointing to the middle of each side of the playsilk. And then I tie the corners of playsilk together, using square knots.”

(Maybe Lena will have to do a post about it with pictures some day).

Lukas wearing a playsilk cape

How do you pronounce bakfiets? And how did you come to know about it? Where did it originate from, how did you order yours?

I pronounce bakfiets “Bahk-feets.” But since I don’t speak dutch, I could be saying it wrong myself! “Bak” means “box,” and “fiets” means “bicycle,” so the English translation is “box-bike.” The plural version of bakfiets is “bakfietsen.” That’s about all I know in regards to the name! I can’t remember when or how I first heard about the existence of bakfietsen, but I assume they came up when I was researching family cycling (I was originally planning to get an xtracycle, but I didn’t love the way it felt to ride one with three kids on the back. I do think it is an excellent option for families with one or two kids). The bakfiets I have is made by a company called Workcycles which is in the Netherlands. I bought mine from a bike shop in Portland, Oregon that imports them (and which has continued to be very helpful and supportive from 3,000 miles away).

This is one of my favorite pictures of me on the bakfiets.

What kind of camera do you have? What setting do you use?

I have a Nikon D40, and just use the basic lens that came with it. It’s actually kind of broken (no surprise around here) and I am hoping to upgrade sometime soon (like before the baby is born). I use the “no flash” setting, and I edit the photos using iphoto.

Did those barns come pre-made or did you make them yourself?

The barns were pre-fabricated. We only had about two weeks between deciding to get goats and bringing the goats home, so we didn’t have time to build anything from scratch. We were able to buy the floor models from a local company at a great discount.


I have a throw back question - you mentioned starting to use "family cloth" a while ago - like last year. you had made a stack of rainbow colored wipes and talked about deciding to make a transition to using them instead of TP. how is that going?

I can tell you've been paying attention! Your question is well-timed too, since we had been using the rainbow cloth TP until very recently. The reason we’re not using it anymore is because each piece just had raw edges, and over time they unraveled more and more until there really wasn’t much left to them. A couple of weeks ago we threw our stash away, with plans to make a new one (with serged edges) whenever we feel up to it after Leo is born. But the experience of using cloth TP was great. The only difficulties about it were that a couple of times one of us (not naming any names out of fear of offending an incredibly pregnant person) forgot that she was using cloth TP, and dropped it into the toilet. And since we generally don’t flush unless we really need to, the other one of us would often come upon the toilet and have to fish a piece of cloth TP out of it. The other bummer was having to wash the cloth TP when we weren’t washing Zeben’s diapers anymore. It felt a bit wasteful, and caused us to go longer between washings, which caused the cloth TP to get kind of gross. But we will definitely be going back!

A stack of "family cloth" vs. a roll of toilet paper.

ABOUT OUR PLANS FOR THE FUTURE (NEAR AND FAR)

Besides wife-searching, what did you major in in college? Do you think you will pursue work in that area when the kids are bigger? What is your greatest passion in life?

When I went to college, I was planning to be a homebirth midwife. Majoring in “midwifery” or anything related wasn’t really possible (I was not cut out to be a bio major), so I majored in Early Chilhood Education, and spent my senior year of college student teaching in order to get certified to teach pre-k through third grade. I never really wanted to be a teacher exactly, but I’ve always loved working with kids, and it seemed the most fitting of the possible majors. I also liked that I would graduate with a “marketable skill,” even if it was one that I didn’t ever plan to use. After I graduated I did teach kindergarten (at the same school where Luke and Jaz now attend) for one semester, while pregnant with the twins (I had decided that giving birth would be my first step towards becoming a midwife). However, after my babies were born, I mostly lost my desire to be a midwife. It didn’t help that my experience of care during pregnancy was about as far from the midwifery model as it gets. And I ended up with a c-section instead of the homebirth of my dreams. I had also been so anxious during my pregnancy, and I imagined that as a midwife I would take on that anxiety for all of the women in my care. It didn’t seem nearly as appealing anymore. Additionally, I couldn’t imagine living the unpredictable life of a midwife and having to leave my children for days at a time in order to be at a birth. It’s amazing how having kids can change your perspective in so many ways! For a while I still thought that I wouldn’t go back to teaching, that instead I would go into a new field, perhaps more related to maternal health (maybe becoming an IBCLC or a labor and delivery nurse), but now I am beginning to think about being a teacher after all. It would be a great schedule to have, and I did enjoy it. I am planning to go to grad. school in the fall of 2010, most likely to do a one-year masters program in education (I think I need a refresher after spending all these years at home!), but nothing is for sure yet.

My greatest passion in life is being a mama, hands down. And helping other mamas in whatever ways I can, but especially with breastfeeding and learning to trust their instincts.

I love being a mom.

Will Lena take time off from work, once Leo is born or are you both staying home with the child or will you work? Do you both plan to breastfeed Leo? Is there anything special that you do to prepare the boys for the baby’s arrival? Any celebrations?

Lena and I will both be home for the summer. We have yet to experience a peaceful “babymoon” (like a honeymoon, but after a baby’s arrival), because we had twins the first time (nothing peaceful about that!), and then because Zeben was in and out of the hospital for his first month with breathing issues. So we’re setting everything up to make this the most lovely babymoon ever! Two stay-at-home moms, and our older kids in camp for most of the summer! Lena will definitely be the primary breastfeeder of Leo—her milk will be designed just for him, and my milk is designed for a 2.5-year-old—but I am hoping to at a minimum do some comfort nursing (i.e. allowing Leo to do non-nutritive sucking at my breast). We will wait at least 6 weeks to make sure that Lena’s supply is well-established. I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize her ability to provide him with everything that he needs. I really want to be able to nurse Leo when he’s older (like past his first birthday), which requires that I get him used to the idea when he’s still a baby. I am also a really excellent night-nurser (I can sleep through breastfeeding very well), so I will be happy to help out in this way if Lena needs a break when Leo is an older baby.

I am putting together a birth kit of things for Luke, Jaz, and Zeb for when Lena is in labor (they will be at my mom and sister’s house next door). So that is the main thing I’m doing pre-birth with them in mind. It will have special snacks and games and maybe a movie or two in it. After Leo is born, we may or may not have a welcome ceremony/party for him, depending on how we’re feeling.


I remember once you said that you rent the place you are in now, do you want to buy it? What do your landlords think about all the changes you made and animals and such?

We do love our sweet little house, but we would not choose to buy it even if we could (which we can’t, since it’s not for sale). The house only comes with a small patch of land (our landlords also live on the same property as us, in a huge renovated barn behind our house, and they have asked us not to use most of their 3 acres), so if our landlords were to sell it separately from their residence, it wouldn’t be enough outdoor space for us. Our barn and farm animals are located on my mother’s property, right next door; we never would have been able to set that up on our landlord’s property (we’re actually not even allowed to leave so much as a soccer ball in our yard overnight). I do think the landlords appreciate having the animals to some extent; they have 3 little kids who are certainly enjoying them.

Home, sweet home . . . for the time being

We would very much like to buy a house, though, hopefully sometime soon. Our ULTIMATE FANTASY is to buy land with a group of friends of ours and start a small intentional community. We already have the friends, the intention, and the community . . . but no land or money to buy any! Someday.


I know you love having three boys (and one on the way) but did you ever feel a yearning for a girl-child? What kind of names, if any, did you think up for possible girl-children? Are you guys done having kids after this?

I do sometimes yearn for a girl-child, though, surprisingly, not as much as I used to. I have a bit of a fantasy about adopting (through the state) a pair of sisters somewhere in the future, or maybe even a gay (female) teenager. I think my fantasy about having girl children has always been more about wanting to have adult daughters someday. I don’t think there would be much difference during the baby years. We never had girl names picked out for Luke and Jaz. Zeben was potentially going to be named “Tessa” if he were a girl, but we never really solidified that since we found out he was a boy at 19 weeks gestation. Leo was going to be named “Koa” (you can read more about that here), and since we really thought he was a girl in the beginning of the pregnancy, we referred to him as “Koa” for a couple of months before the revealing ultrasound. I think we probably are done making babies after this, but we thought we were done after Zeben too, so you never know. I have always wanted to adopt, and while this experience of expecting a baby who's not growing inside my body is satisfying that desire to some degree, I would still love to adopt if my wife would ever feel so inspired. We are licensed foster parents, and I can see us getting into fostering when our kids are older.


What are your plans regarding your children's school education? You mentioned homeschooling once. I would love to hear more about your dreams and opinions on school.

As an Education major in college, I spent many, many, many hours (though still not as many as I probably should have) studying the history of education in this country as well as the current state of things. My favorite educational philosophy is the Reggio Emilia approach. I want very much to believe in public education, but as things stand right now, I would not choose to send my children to public school. Budget cuts and state-wide testing regulations have created a less-than-wonderful public school environment. Of course there are wonderful exceptions, and some very promising charter schools (I would happily send my kids to the local Reggio Emilia charter school, but there is a very competitive lottery and they did not get in for kindergarten).

Right now the kids are at a wonderful private elementary school, with a rich, art-based curriculum (they went to a Reggio preschool for two years prior). My grandparents are paying for them to attend, and there is a good possibility that they will not be able to continue to do so indefinitely. In that case, we would most likely choose to homeschool/unschool. Also, if we end up moving somewhere where the commute to school seems unmanageable, then we would consider homeschooling as well. Ideally, this would take place within the context of a community of homeschoolers, and we likely wouldn’t spend more than a portion of each day actually at home (just as I find that I do best as a stay-at-home mom when I’m home for no more than a few hours out of every day). Since we got the goats, I have been fantasizing more and more about keeping the kids home and not having to rush out the door in the mornings. But for now, we are planning to keep them where they are, at school.


ABOUT OUR TRADITIONS

You do these wonderful holiday celebrations (like solstice), did you create your family traditions by yourself or were you raised that way or did you get into it at some other time in your life? How did you create your own way of celebrating, all those great rituals like with the eggs and the seeds?

I have written about this more in-depth in this post, but I will say briefly that I have gotten into celebrating some of the pagan holidays only since having children, and that this book has been a great inspiration (I think that’s where I learned about the birdseed-in-the-eggs ritual, but I’m not entirely sure).

Our fire pit is an integral part of our seasonal celebrations.

Do you still do your special Wednesday adventures?

We haven’t been doing them, but I am hoping to get back on-track soon now that it’s so beautiful outside again. I think most of our Wednesday afternoons of late have been spent doing barn chores and projects. We do still go to the library every third Wednesday.

So Many Answers (part 2)

ABOUT GETTING PREGNANT

I would love to know more about how you approached the process of conceiving children. Did you always know you wanted to use a donor? How and where did you look? From what I understand, it is very costly. Is this true, and how did you afford it? Can you tell me more about how you handled the enormous weight of the insemination and what it meant for your family? How did you deal with those two weeks until you could test?!?!?

I always knew that I wanted to be pregnant at least once, so I guess that means that I always knew I wanted to use a donor (since getting pregnant “the old fashioned way” wasn’t an option). Actually, before I even knew that I was gay, before I even got my period for the first time, I did very much want to get pregnant (I wanted to be a teen mom), and I used to fantasize about how I would get a sperm bank to sell me some sperm even though I was only 13 (I thought about having my older sister buy some for me). So maybe using donor sperm WAS always part of the plan! When Lena and I actually got to the point of getting ready to add sperm to the mix (8 years later), we considered all of our Sperm Donor Options (i.e. using a known donor, buying sperm from a bank, getting drunk and going to a bar, etc.). There were a few men in our life who we thought about asking, but we were nervous about it. Lena, especially, felt like maybe using someone we didn’t know would be easier. I ended up asking my OB/GYN, and she recommended a few Sperm Banks for us to check out online. We ended up using the California Cryobank.

At the time, sperm varied in price from about $150 to $300 a vial (these days it’s more like $200 to $500 a vial). When I remarked about this on the phone to my mom, she exclaimed that obviously we ought to go with the more expensive sperm (in my extended family more expensive is often believed to really mean better). I think she said something like, “this is not the time to be thrifty!” When I explained that we couldn’t afford the more expensive sperm (I think we had about $1,000 saved, total), she insisted that she and my dad would buy the pricier sperm for us. I always loved how when people would ask if my parents were supportive of my choice to get pregnant when I was only 22 years old, I could say, “supportive? They paid for the sperm!” After Luke and Jaz were born, they also went ahead and bought us some extra sperm to keep in storage for a future sibling since they liked the way our first two kids turned out so well. Because I got pregnant on the first try, it actually didn’t cost us that much to conceive Luke and Jaz. The total cost (including the cost of the IUIs, done at the doctor’s office) was under $1,000 (and we got TWO babies!). Zeben was our most expensive baby since it took 3 cycles to conceive him (about $3,000). And with Leo, our insurance mysteriously covered the cost of the insemination (it wasn’t supposed to, but we're not complaining), so we only had to pay for the one vial of sperm. It sucks to have to pay to get pregnant, but I figure not having to pay for birth control might end up meaning that we break even with our heterosexual peers in the end.

The TTC (“trying to conceive”) rollercoaster is never exactly fun, but I think I handled it pretty well just because I was so excited to at least be trying. I actually had a harder time in the first half of each TTC cycle than I did with the two-week-wait that occurs post-insemination. Figuring out the timing of the inseminations was the most stressful part for me. Once the sperm was on board, I felt like there wasn’t anything left for me to do except hope. When we weren’t successful (the first two cycles trying for baby #3), I found peace in the fact that I only had to wait another two weeks until I could try again. Actually, we had to take two cycles off from inseminating after our first two unsuccessful tries for the second pregnancy, and that was probably the hardest part for me (we decided to wait because we didn’t want the baby to be born right when Lena was starting grad. school). Our last attempt at making a baby was by far the easiest one for me since it wasn’t my body! Also, the craziness of our life with our three already-born children was a good distraction. I did still stress out about the timing, and there was a lot of pressure since we only had one chance to use the same donor we had used for our other pregnancies. But I do believe in some version of “everything happens for a reason,” and I tried to put my faith in that and just know that our baby would come to us at the right time. I also tried to focus on the fact that each month was bringing us closer to our baby, even if we weren't pregnant yet. Again, it was just so exciting to me that we were actually trying to get pregnant, and I wasn’t that attached to a particular outcome, even though I did think it would work each time we tried (otherwise, why would we even bother?). I also think it's best to avoid peeing on pregnancy tests until your period is already late (or at least due!). For me, getting a negative pregnany test was worse than just waiting to bleed. Of course, all of this is easy for me to be cheery about since compared to many people we know, TTC was relatively easy for us.

We have had a pretty amazing success rate with getting pregnant (5 cycles trying, 3 pregnancies), and while I think that could be due purely to luck, I thought I would also share a few tips (which may or may not be applicable to others). We decided to jump straight to Intra-Uterine Insemination (IUI) because I read a study that showed it was more effective than Intra-Cervical Insemination (ICI) or Intra-Vaginal Insemination (IVI). It made more sense to me to spend more money initially (because of the increased cost of the washed sperm and the IUI procedure (which generally has to be done at a clinic and isn’t covered by insurance (ours cost about $175 each)) in the hopes of getting pregnant faster (and spending less money overall). IUI with frozen sperm requires very precise timing (the sperm may live as little as 8 hours once inside the uterus), so we opted to do 2 inseminations per cycle, despite the fact that our doctor told us this was unnecessary. The timing I read was most effective was to do the first IUI 12 hours after a positive Ovulation Predictor Kit (OPK), and the second IUI 22 hours later. Figuring out this precise timing required using multiple high-quality (I like the Clear Blue Easy brand) OPKs a day in the days leading up to ovulation. For our second two successful cycles, we also used an HCG trigger shot. This allows you to get the timing even more accurate since ovulation generally occurs 36 hours after the shot. With our current pregnancy, we only had one vial of sperm, so we only did one IUI, at the 36-hour point. One of the main reasons why I think we have been so successful in getting pregnant is because we’ve been using sperm with really good numbers (a high number of motile sperm). This happened simply by chance, but I would urge anyone who is TTC with frozen donor sperm to prioritize the donor’s sperm count when choosing a donor. Some banks will give you this information before you purchase the sperm, and those are the only banks you should be working with. You want to be using the BEST in regards to sperm numbers that the bank has to offer (not their average).


ABOUT BEING A MOM

What have you done since the kids were very little that you really feel you got right with parenting? What about wrong?

I think we’ve done a pretty great job of being in touch with our parenting instincts and not feeling pressured to do things a certain way based on advice from family members, pediatricians, or parenting “experts.” We just do what feels right, and don’t make parenting choices that make us feel guilty or that we don’t completely believe in. At the same time, we have always been very gentle with ourselves as parents, in that we allow ourselves to make mistakes and to change our minds, and to do things differently from how we thought we would. We’re very much in favor of experimentation. In this way, there isn’t really room to do anything “wrong,” if we feel like something isn’t working, or doesn't sit well, we simply stop doing it.


What has been the greatest, unexpected blessing of being a mom?

I think being a parent helps you to not take little things for granted. It’s amazing how happy you can feel just to have all of your kids in bed at a reasonable hour! And we really appreciate getting the chance to sleep-in every now and then. Along the same lines, just getting to experience everything again, through your kids’ eyes, is really wonderful. Most everything that we do with the kids, as opposed to without them, is made more fun simply for having them with us. Like going to the beach, or going on a hike, or having a new baby. Their excitement about the world is never-ending and very contagious. It reminds us to feel the same way.

Lena enjoying the ocean with her sons

What have you found more difficult than you ever imagined?

Lots of things about parenting are difficult. I remember that when Luke and Jaz were babies, I'd often have to remind myself that we didn't decide to have kids because we thought it would be easy. At the same time, I think the vast majority of my imagined life-with-kids was pretty rosy. My pre-kids fantasies never touched on things like illness and sleep deprivation. Being sick and still having to be a mom is incredibly difficult; luckily it has been a few years since I’ve gotten hit hard by a virus. We’ve been pretty blessed sleep-wise, but there was a very rough patch when Luke and Jaz were toddlers, before I night-weaned them, and you really can feel crazy if the only sleep you’re getting is frequently interrupted. Depriving someone of sleep is actually considered a form of torture, and I completely understand why. Also, the anxiety I felt when pregnant was very unexpected and difficult, and while I think I actually manage to stay pretty laid-back about most things as a non-pregnant mom, it is very intense to worry about the kids. Lukas and Zeben have both been through traumatic hospital stays, and it took me a long time to recover emotionally from those experiences. Feeling worried about the health and/or well-being of your child is probably the worst feeling in the world. And I think it’s something that you can’t really imagine before you’re a parent.


ABOUT OUR DAY-TO-DAY LIVES

Do either of you work outside of the home?

Lena is just beginning her maternity leave (she graduated with her masters degree (and a 4.0 GPA!) last week), but until recently she was a full-time student with a full-time research assistantship. I work very part-time as a car seat technician for a local baby gear shop. We are both planning to work about 20 hours a week starting in the fall (Lena doing forestry research and data analysis, and me as an elementary school substitute teacher and at a new maternal wellness center).


Is your life truly as idyllic and wonderful as you portray it or do you make a conscious decision to record it on your blog in this manner?

Yes, I do think my life is pretty idyllic, especially in the grand scheme of things! We feel incredibly blessed. Of course there are less-than-fun times in our house just like there are in all families, but I certainly don’t go out of my way to avoid blogging about those happenings. Ever since I was a teenager, I’ve written on the first page of every journal:

This book
is about the truth
and also hope.

I think that’s what this blog is about too. I’m documenting the very real things going on in our life, and it is in my nature to write optimistically. I believe that Lena and I have both been happier since I started writing the blog, and I think that’s in part due to having it as a reminder of all that is wonderful in our lives.

That said, we have stresses just like everyone else. The biggest stress at the moment is the fact that my mom has suddenly decided--in relation to my parents' divorce--to put her house on the market sometime soon. Her house being sold will leave us not-exactly-homeless, but land-less, and with some homeless goats and chickens (and without a garage for the bakfiets)! So we are trying to figure out what we will do if the house sells--or if we should even wait for it to actually sell before doing something--and it feels very unsettling (and the timing is unfortunate since we are preparing our nest to welcome our new baby). If we owned our house and the land that we are farming, THEN I think life would really feel ideal. But even with things as they are, we realize that we're living a very dreamy existence.


Not that you don't have enough animals running around, but why don't you have a dog?

Our first baby was a chocolate lab puppy. She was followed six months later by her black lab little sister, and then a few years after that, I brought home the sweetest pound puppy ever (the one Zeben is named after). We were SUCH dog people, and it is crazy to me sometimes to think about how our kids are growing up without any dogs (the black lab was a sickly runt who found a new home when Lena and I were broken-up and I couldn’t afford her extensive medical bills, our pound puppy died of kidney failure a week after Luke and Jaz were born, and our then 4-year-old chocolate lab moved on to a new home about 5 months after her dog-brother died, for a variety of reasons). We will definitely have dogs again someday, probably when we’re done having human babies, and when we own our own house (renting with dogs was very difficult). We also found it hard to give a dog as much attention as necessary once we had two kids taking priority, so ideally when we do get a dog, Luke and Jaz (at least) will be old enough to help the dog feel loved (I also don't really believe in having just one dog, since dogs are pack animals, so we'll likely get two when the time comes).

This is me holding our first baby,
October Toblerone, aka "Toby,"
when she was nearly 2

So Many Answers (part 1)

I have finally finished writing up my extensive answers to your extensive questions! It's really too much for one post, so I am dividing it all up in to several smaller posts, which will appear over the next two days. If I didn't answer your question specifically, it's either because I am already planning to write a whole post on that topic, or because it's something I've written extensively about in the past. I hope your inner nosiness is satisfied!

ABOUT BEING QUEER

I'm curious if coming out was an issue for you and/or Lena. Or was it something you always knew about yourself? Have either of you had problems with unaccepting family members, if so how have you dealt with it? Did you choose your location based on it's gay friendliness?

I came out when I was 15 years old. It’s funny because now I feel like I was pretty young, but at the time I couldn’t understand why it had taken me so long to figure it out! I was known by my friends as being a bit “boy-crazy,” but had actually never really had a boyfriend (one of my best friends (a boy) from when I was 8 years old and I did have a bit of a sexual relationship, and I loved him very much). I was at summer camp for a month and one of my friends there told me that back home, she was dating a woman. As soon as she said the words, I knew I was gay. It was like the possibility had never occurred to me before. I knew several gay and lesbian adults, but had never met someone my age who identified as queer. As soon as I realized that being gay was an option, I was like, “sign me up!” After my self-realization, it took me a few months to come out to my family, and they were, overall, very accepting (as I had expected them to be). So, in the grand scheme of things, I guess my coming-out experience was relatively easy. Which is not to say that it wasn’t also very intense and difficult for me. The hardest part was feeling like I was losing my dream of growing up to have my own nuclear family, losing the possibility of making babies out of a combination of my partner’s and my genes. I also felt very alone, and had no concept of how big the queer community was. I devoured the “Dykes To Watch Out For” comic books, which gave me hope for the future (and taught me quite a bit!). I also loved listening to The Indigo Girls and Ani Difranco, and felt like they really carried me through my high school years.

Lex, the babydyke (age 16)

Lena also came out to herself in high school (and just for the record, she identifies as bisexual, while I consider myself to be 99.9% homosexual), and to her family when she was dating her first girlfriend (in college). Her family was just as accepting as mine, even her rather religious, Catholic, extended family.

We happened to meet and start our lives together in a very queer-friendly area (it probably has one of the highest per-capita lesbian populations anywhere on the planet), and the queer-friendliness of this place is one of the things that has kept us here. We did consider moving someplace else just for the fun of it (and for a change for Lena, since she grew up here), but we couldn’t find anything comparable. It is very important to us, now that we have kids, to live somewhere where we never really have to think about being queer, and where our kids will never be the only kids in their class with queer parents (currently there are 7 kindergartners in their school who have two moms). Doctors, strangers at the park, cashiers at the grocery store . . . no one around here bats an eye at our regular old two-mom family.



ABOUT OUR MARRIAGE

How do you make time for your relationship with Lena? How do you keep the magic alive? What's the biggest challenge you and Lena have faced as a couple and what got you through it? What is the biggest difference between yourself and Lena (personality, parenting style, etc.)?

One of the main ways in which Lena and I make time for our relationship is by trying to get the kids to bed early—we aim for 7:00 most nights (the book, “The 7:00 bedtime” was very inspirational to me, even though I don’t agree with everything the author writes (namely, she is rather opposed to co-sleeping)). When Luke and Jaz were little (ages 1-3), we used to go on weekly dates. We hired a college student to come from 5:00 to 7:00 one night a week, and I would often pack a picnic for Lena and me to eat since we really couldn’t afford to pay the baby-sitter and buy dinner. But once we got good at the 7:00 bedtime, we no longer felt much of a need to leave the house in order to be alone together. It was like every night became date night! We still do enjoy getting to go out every so often, and will happily take advantage of our extended family members’ offers to watch the kids whenever that happens.

Lena (23) and me (20)

we broke up a couple months later

Lena and I got together when I was 18 and she was 21. After we had been together (pretty joyfully) for two years, I had a bit of a breakdown and we broke up. I think it was because I had never learned how to be alone (having gone from living with my parents to living with Lena), and when Lena started an outdoor education program that took her away from me for days at a time, I started to feel lost. I also wondered if—despite my lifelong dream to just get married ASAP—maybe I was too young to settle down. Our break-up was a big deal. Even though we had only been together for two years, at the time it felt like forever. We were engaged, and we had two dogs and several cats, and lots of shared furniture and household items. Dividing everything up and taking our shared life apart was very painful. While we were separated, we both dated other people, but never gave up on each other, holding out hope that we would be lifelong friends. Six months after we broke up, we ended up getting back together, kind of by surprise to both of us. I was a much stronger person for having had that time learning how to be alone, and Lena was able to forgive me, and we both felt that our relationship was better for the break. Surviving that time made us think that we could survive anything.

our family in 2003

We went through a very difficult time in our marriage when Luke and Jaz were about 18 months old. In all the craziness of raising twin babies (which we did very much enjoy, for the most part), we had lost sight of each other and completely forgotten to nourish our relationship. The kids were at a very challenging age (still the most challenging thus far, in my opinion), and I wasn’t loving being at home with them all day. Lena wasn’t happy in her job (as an earth science teacher for troubled teenagers) either, and our living situation was also not ideal. Everything culminated in a marriage crisis and we really forgot about all of our visions for what our marriage would be. Having had our earlier pre-marriage crisis was helpful in that it gave us faith that we could work through anything. Luckily, neither of us was quick to give up on our family, and we slowly worked to get ourselves into a better place (a process which involved Lena switching jobs and us moving to a completely different type of home in a different town). I think it took a full year for us to feel solid again. We have had many friends get divorced while their kids are little. It is easy to forget to pay attention to your marriage. The fact that Lena and I are both very committed people is probably what saved us along with the fact that we never questioned our love for each other, and were willing to compromise to ensure that neither of us felt trapped.

the summer of 2000

Lena and I are so different in so many ways! We are definitely a case of “opposites attract.” She is outgoing and loud, and I am pretty quiet and shy (less so now than I used to be). She is adventurous and brave, and I am afraid of many things (for instance, I am terrified of flying (I avoid it unless absolutely necessary, which seems to translate to, “unless one of my sisters is getting married on the other side of the country”), whereas Lena thought the experience of jumping out of an airplane (while skydiving) was “anti-climactic”). Lena would love to travel around the world, and I am a total homebody. In school, Lena strives to maintain her 4.0 GPA while I couldn’t care less about grades. Lena cares very much what other people think of her, while the thought of someone else’s perception of me rarely even crosses my mind. Lena is hot all the time, and I am usually freezing. I remember one time when we were driving in the car and Lena was wearing a tank top (typical for her, year-round), and I was wearing a down coat, a hat and a scarf. I was still complaining about being cold, while she was arguing that the temperature in the car was stifling. It was pretty funny.

We are very different sizes. Lena is 5'3" and I am 5'10".

Of course there are plenty of ways in which we are alike too, and those are regarding the things that count. Like how we both love to be spontaneous, love to be social, love to play games and laugh and eat ice cream. We love to be outside, to follow our hearts, to find the fun in any given situation. We are excellent co-parents who respect each other’s right to do things in our own way with the kids while also generally adhering to the same parenting philosophy. We can sense when one or the other of us needs a break, and step in to relieve each other. Usually it works out that one of us is in the mood to stay home and clean the house while the other of us feels like taking the kids out to the park for the day. I think our division of home labor is incredibly balanced, and we each pick the chores that we enjoy which--because we’re so different—don’t really overlap. Lena can’t stand clutter, and I can’t stand dirt. So she might go through the house putting things away, and I follow behind her with the vacuum.

There is definitely magic in our love, but we don't do much to keep it alive besides just being ourselves and enjoying each other. No 10-year (or even 5-year) relationship is going to have the same buzzing intensity of a brand new relationship, and I actually think that what we have (a deep, understanding love and amazing friendship) is more magical than the excitement that comes with new love. Having kids--and thus limited time to be alone together--has helped us to learn to appreciate each other more in the time that we do have. It can feel very exciting to get to cuddle up together on the couch and watch a movie after the kids are in bed. As a rule, we don't bicker. We speak our minds, and don't let things fester. We never go to bed angry, and really can't manage to stay mad at each other for more than an hour or so. Living in harmony is just more fun, so we make a conscious choice to do so. We also have a magical ability to find humor in difficult times. Laughter is a good antidote to most stresses in life and marriage. Often we are faced with a situation that could make us cry, yell, or laugh. Of course, we have to be careful to laugh with each other and not at each other, but in general choosing laughter is a great way to keep the magic alive.

a photo from this afternoon

ABOUT OUR FINANCIAL SITUATION

While I feel rude asking, how do you afford all the great things you do and have going on, especially with Lena in school? As much as we don't want money to stand in the way of the life we dream of, it all seems a bit daunting. . . Can it really be done?!

Lena and I have been living off of income from her job as a research assistant, a small amount of income from my job answering phone calls about car seats and doing installations, and income from a Trust Fund that my grandparents set up for me when I was a baby. The trust fund was created to pay for my education, and was certainly the most amazing material gift anyone has ever given me. It paid for me to go to an independent elementary school and high school, and for the entirety of my college education. When I graduated from college, there was enough money left either to put a down payment on a house OR to supplement our income for a few years so that I could be a stay-at-home mom. I guess it’s obvious which option we chose! It’s looking like the trust money will last for another year or two, hopefully just long enough to cover us until I can get a full-time job. While our total annual income is still rather modest (about $40,000/year), the trust has allowed me to be home with our kids without placing undue pressure on Lena to support our family (thus allowing her to be in grad. school for the past 3 years, getting paid for only 20 hours of work/week). We realize that we are incredibly blessed in this regard. On top of that, my grandparents have been paying for our kids to go to private school, something that we would never be able to afford on our own.

We don’t really have any debt so our monthly essential expenses are limited to rent, utilities (basic phone, electric and gas; we don’t get cable and we mooch the internet from my mom’s wireless, Lena has a cell phone, but I don’t) and groceries. We live in a relatively small house (it actually feels perfectly sized, though), one that many people would probably think was inadequate for a family of six (our landlords thought it was too small for one baby!), but that works wonderfully for us. Because of this our rent and heating expenses are relatively low. Really, nothing about the way we are living is all that expensive. Our favorite things to do with our kids are to be outside and make art, both of which are cheap/free!

We mostly live month to month, without any significant savings. So buying something big (like the bakfiets) required a year of preparation, saving a little each month, selling some things, and unexpected income (like the $1200 stimulus check we got last spring). We also tend to forget about things like our tax refund (I think because for the first few years of having kids—before Lena legally adopted Luke and Jaz—we didn’t get any refund), which means that when it arrives, it’s like free money! This year we took a leap and invested it all in buying the barn and the goats. It’s part of our “live in the moment” philosophy I guess, which does also have negative consequences (like the fact that we don’t yet own a house and have moved 4 times since Luke and Jaz were born . . . but we own a barn!).

I guess one of the drawbacks of having babies at a young age is that we weren’t financially secure yet when we started our family. We didn’t own a house, we hadn’t finished our education, we didn’t have good-paying jobs. I haven’t ever even thought about saving money for the kids’ college funds. These are all things that I think older parents tend to take into consideration before having babies. We were like, “we have a thousand dollars in our savings account! Let’s get pregnant!” But the truth is, that it HAS all worked out in the end. We don’t get to go on fancy family vacations (though our beach camping trips are pretty great), our kids aren’t getting to grow up in OUR house, but rather a series of rental homes, and we certainly do wish for these things. But I definitely don’t regret having kids when we did. I’ve loved being a younger mama, not feeling like I lost any part of myself (or sacrificed my career) in order to be home with the kids, feeling energized and excited about the future. My life has been so much more fulfilling since becoming a mom, and I wouldn’t have wanted to wait a minute longer than we did (as is, I feel like we waited for a long time!).

If you don’t have a lot of money, and you want to start a family, I think it absolutely can be done, you just need to make sacrifices. We could live in an even smaller house if we had to. We could move somewhere where the cost of living was even lower. We could stop buying prepared food all together. We could sell one (or both!) of our cars. Do we "have it all?" No. But we have what matters most (shelter, food, and love).

Showing Great Restraint

Today was a festival day. I love festivals. This one was especially lovely (but aren't they all, really?) because it was a festival in celebration of Sheep and Wool. We don't have any sheep or wool on our farm yet, but that is definitely part of the "one day" fantasy. I love to knit, and I'd love to learn how to spin, and the whole idea of being able to raise the sheep and shear the wool and spin the yarn and knit the sweater is rather breathtaking. So I very much enjoyed getting to step into the world of modern day Shepherds at the festival this afternoon, and get a little taste of what our future might possibly hold.

Lena and Zeb at the festival
(35.5 weeks preggo)

But since sheep aren't the only animals that make wool, they weren't the only animals featured at the festival today. There were some llamas (llamas make me nervous and I have no intention of ever being a llama farmer), and there were some adorable 8-week-old angora bunnies.

how cute is that little face?

There were plenty of bunnies to go around, and the kids could hold them as much as they wanted to. What sweet little fur balls! We've had several rabbits come and go through our house in the past few years (perhaps I'll do a bunny post sometime to elaborate), but none were angora rabbits, and none were nearly as mellow as the bunnies we got to hang out with today. We all wanted to bring one (or two) home with us. And they were for sale. But Lena and I were able to resist the temptation to add to our little farm by buying our first wooly pet. I also did not give in to my desire to buy a lamb. Or a lambskin. So, it was a, overall, a festival during which I showed great restraint. We arrived at the festival with $3 in our pockets, and we left with the same $3 still unspent.


Oh, and we didn't even consider buying the sheepdog puppy, even though we, of course, sort of wanted to (not to mention the fact that he wasn't for sale). But we did very much enjoy watching the sheepdog trials while petting the puppy.


The sheepdog trials were intense. I was very impressed by all of it, and probably could have stood there watching for hours on end as each dog stepped up to take a turn at driving the sheep. If it weren't for the blazing sun and oppressive humidity (and the three hot, exhausted children who were, themselves, quite spent), I would have stayed until the end.

Jaz and Luke, waiting to leave in the stroller
(I can't believe they still fit!)

A sure sign of a great festival:
3 kids asleep in the car on the way home.

If only every day were a festival day. Sigh.

FBTSOYP Fencing Co.

Last week I decided to start a new business. More specifically, I became the founder of a fencing company called, "Fly-By-The-Seat-Of-Your-Pants Fencing Company," or "FBTSOYP Fencing Co." for short. The company's #1 motto is: "it's not perfect, but it's perfectly acceptable." It's pretty much a one-woman show, though I do occasionally accept assistance from other equally untrained and inexperienced workers, ranging in age from 2 to 35. My first project was to build a fence to separate the goat yard from the chicken yard.

When we first got the chickens, I set up a temporary chicken-wire-and-bean-pole (poles designed to support bean plants in the garden) enclosure to keep the chickens somewhat contained.

What the chicken yard set-up looked like in April.

We were letting our small flock out to free-range during the day, so the main purpose of the enclosure ended up being to restrict the goats' access to the laying pellets and table scraps that we feed the chickens. It was mostly successful for the first couple of weeks, but then Petah discovered that she could barge right through the flimsy fence and that was pretty much the end of us being able to feed the chickens anything (and we quickly noticed a decrease in egg production).

At the end of April, just before Chive gave birth to Lou Lou and Harvey, we had a professional fence installed by an amazing local fence company (owned and run by a friend of ours). The fence completely encloses the goat barn and the chicken coop, with 2 metal gates (one on the house-side of the enclosure, and one on the pasture-side (we can connect our electric net fence to the back entrance, thus allowing the goats extra (and varied) room to graze)). And it is surprisingly chicken-proof. The only parts that aren't chicken-proof are the metal gates since the chickens can squeeze under them. It became clear pretty early on after the fence went up that we were going to need more fencing. And I decided that the best idea would be to add an extra internal fence that would also serve to separate the goats from the chickens once and for all.

Having never built a fence before, nor read anything about fence building, my knowledge of how to build one was minimal at best. But I decided to throw caution to the wind, fly by the seat of my pants, and build one anyway. When I went to the farmer's supply store to buy some fencing materials, the store worker who helped me looked concerned.

"What are you going to use these for?" she asked, quizzically, and then, eyeing Zeben strapped to my back, she added, "it's really not a good idea to fence your children in with this type of welded wire."

I can understand that I don't look like a farmer or like I'm at all qualified to build a fence. But do I really look like someone who would go to a farmer's supply store to buy fencing materials in order to build a fence for my children? I mean, does anyone look like someone who would do that?

"It's for my chickens, actually," I clarified, and the woman smiled and rang me out.

I bought 100 feet of welded wire, 6 cedar posts and a bag of fence nails (they look like the letter "U") to build the fence. Then I got to work. The first step was installing the posts, which, since we don't have a fence-post-hole digger, required digging holes with a shovel before pounding the posts in with a mallet. My sister, Jes, volunteered to help me out, and despite her rather inappropriate outfit, proved herself as a rather adept hole-digger. I, on the other hand, was dressed for success.

These pictures of me in my FBTSOYP Fencing Co. uniform

should clear up any lingering doubt about my [lack of] image-consciousness.
Jes really got into the fencing groove,
high-heeled clogs, jewelry and all.

She really knows how to ride a shovel.

The second motto of the FBTSOYP Fencing Co. is, "when you don't know what you're doing, laugh." Jes and I did plenty of that.

I found the placing of the posts to be pretty satisfying (especially the banging part; it was a great way to release any pent up anger that I may or may not accumulate as the mother of three young children), but attaching the wire to the posts gave me the most gratification. Apparently I like my livestock to be segregated. Stepping in chicken poop while chilling with the goats was not floating my boat. Chasing chickens away from our seedlings in the garden or off of our landlords' property was also becoming rather aggravating. So my favorite part about completing the project was sitting back and watching the chickens not escaping from their new enclosure.

Views of the new chicken yard:

The large, dark barn is an old tobacco barn that our landlords
use to house their many tractors along with some old lumber.

On the other side of the goat barn, I had to put up a small section of fence and a gate (to make the gate, I used some old wood scraps that I found laying around, and some store-bought hinges). And, even though it didn't turn out perfectly, it certainly is perfectly acceptable.


The only bummer about the whole project was coming out to check on things the morning after it was completed and discovering one hen, "Vulture" on the wrong side of the fence.

One unacceptable, escaped chicken and three enclosed,
very confused chickens, saying, "how did she get out there??!!"

But I'm pretty much convinced that Jaz just accidentally let her out when he was opening up the coop earlier that morning. Because no one has managed to escape again since. It's all just peaceful segregation and containment. Just in time, too, since as of this week we now have 12 hens pecking around in the new-and-improved chicken yard.

The second project for the FBTSOYP Fencing Co. was to modify the chicken coop slightly so as to make it more adequate for our six extra chickens. The coop was designed to hold only 10 birds, and while eventually we will need to build a whole other coop (once the chicka-biddies are ready to move outside), I thought that a temporary fix would just be to add some extra roosting space for our two surplus hens (chickens like to roost--sit on a beam, or in the real world, a tree--above ground level at night). So I added a cross-bar to the existing roost to make sure that each chicken would have her 12 inches of roosting space.

One of the new white-leghorns, testing out my temporary fix
("Vulture" is laying an egg in a nesting box in the background).

The third project that I undertook as sole proprieter of the FBTSOYP Fencing Co. was to install and modify a divider in the goat barn so that we'd have a way to separate the goats from each other. The main purpose of this is so that we can keep the kid goats away from the mama goats at night, and thus be able to get more than 1/2 a cup of milk for ourselves in the morning. But the new pen will also come in handy when Petah has her babies, so that we can provide her with a nice kidding stall. Lena's dad gave me most of what I needed to make this happen (an old barn divider that Lena's parents had used when they raised sheep back in the day), so all I had to do was attach it to the walls of the barn and then add some extra boards to make it goat-kid proof (which is apparently different from lamb-proof).

Chive and Harvey standing in the entrace of their fancier-than-ever barn.

Petah voluntarily hanging out in the new sectioned-off pen.

While working on the goat barn project, I got to experience the third motto of the FBTSOYP Fencing Co.: "Learning from your own foolish mistakes is also perfectly acceptable." For instance, I learned that when you use a screw that is an inch too long for your particular purpose, and when the extra inch of screw then sticks out of the backside of your project, and when you then decide to touch that protuding bit of metal, it will be really hot and burn your thumb.

The visual remnants of my screw-branding mishap.

So, now that I've finished up the most pressing of fencing-related needs on our ever-expanding farm, I am ready to start advertising my services to the community at large. If you know of anyone who needs an imperfect, but perfectly acceptable fence built, please let them know about the Fly-By-The-Seat-Of-Your-Pants Fencing Company.

Okay. So maybe I'm not really ready to head out into the world of fence contracting. But I am adding another notch to my Jack of All Trades belt. I'm also preparing for project #4: building a chicken tractor. And in keeping with motto #4, "advice from others, who may or may not know what they're talking about either, is always welcome," I'd love to hear about anyone else's experiences in chicken tractor construction! Until then, I'll just be sitting back, relaxing, letting my thumb heal, and watching the contained and segregated chickens with a big smile on my face.


If you haven't yet had a chance to ask a question in the comments section of my last post, feel free to click here, or simply scroll down, and do so. I'm planning to write out some answers sometime early next week.