6/29/09

On Becoming the Other Mother

This morning, for the first time since our baby was born on Friday, I had to leave our nest--and Lena and Leo--in order to take Jaz, Luke and Zeb to camp. The knowledge that I would have to be separated from the baby, likely within days of his birth, had been weighing heavy on my mind since early on in the pregnancy. After the births of our other children, I couldn't conceive of being apart from our babies for even a few minutes. Many people offered to watch them for us so that we could get a break, and I always turned them down, feeling internal panic at the very thought. The first time I left Luke and Jaz was when they were 8 months old. Lena and I went out to see a show in celebration of the first anniversary of our civil union. We left the babies with my mom, who was confident and capable, and who the boys knew well, but I was still worried. I remember how naked I felt, walking around downtown without a baby (or two) strapped to my body. The show was pretty good, I think, but I'm not really sure since I was too busy itching the huge hives that developed all over my belly to pay much attention. We returned home to two crying babies, and, while my hives quickly disappeared once we were reunited, I decided right then to not leave them again until I really felt ready (which happened about a year later). I don't remember exactly the first time I ever left Zeb, but it was sometime after his first birthday. There was never any need for me to be separated from him, and I decided that it was best to trust my instincts in that regard. This morning I left Leo for the first time, only three days after his birth.

As much as I fretted for the past several months over how it would feel to have to be separated from Leo when he was still so tiny, the actual experience felt really pretty fine. I never once worried about him. I didn't feel naked when walking through town to pick up some Soothies for Lena. I knew that he was safe at home, most likely nursing in his Mama's arms. And as pleased as I am that this is the case--that I can leave my newborn baby for an hour without having a panic attack--it's also a bit heart-breaking for me.


I am thrilled to be getting the chance to experience what it's like to be a NGP (non-gestational parent), but the transition has not been completely easy for me. I remember so well what it felt like to lie in bed with our other three babies when they were new. The heaven of doing nothing but sleeping, nursing, and studying every little expression that would move across their faces. The way they so quickly learned my smell, and would settle as soon as they got a whiff of me. Knowing that I was providing them with everything that they needed via my breasts and my milk. I was in my element. Watching Lena do all of these things with our fourth son, I can't help but feel some pangs for what I'm not experiencing during this babymoon. I think it would be easier if I didn't know what I was missing, if I didn't know how you can feel like you're still physically connected to your baby even after the umbilical cord has been cut. Because I miss feeling that this time.


Don't get me wrong, I adore my new son with all of my being. I cherish every moment I get with him snuggled against my body. I can't wait to know him, to figure out what calms him, to learn what his different cries mean, to feel like he's a part of me. But I am very aware of the fact that even though Leo has two mothers, he only really needs one of them right now. Which is not to say that I feel helpless, in any way. I am keeping Lena well-fed, making sure she sleeps whenever she can, helping her to enjoy every moment of this blissful time by keeping our older kids relatively entertained (or at least keeping their drama out of her space). And I know that by meeting Lena's needs, I am, in turn, helping to meet Leo's needs. But when so much of my past newborn mothering experience has been about breastfeeding and being physically attached to my babies nearly 24 hours a day, it's hard to feel like I'm still a mother to this new boy, when everything is so different.

I know that our relationship will change and develop over time. I know that Leo will need me someday soon. That I will feel like I really am his mom, and that he really is my baby. I will be the mom who wears him on my back while I milk the goats. I will be the mom who takes him for rides in the bakfiets. I will be the mom who bathes with him, and then plays peek-a-boo with a towel and gives him a massage. I will learn how to be Leo's mother just like I learned how to be Luke, Jaz and Zeben's mother. Perhaps it will be a less instinctual form of mothering, but I'm sure that it will be no less fulfilling.


I want nothing more than for Lena to enjoy this fleeting experience to the absolute fullest. I do not resent her for being holed away in the bedroom, falling in love with our baby, resting and getting used to her new milky hormones. And it truly warms my heart to see her in her new maternal state. She's so beautiful and soft looking, with an amazing light in her eyes. But I am surprised by my own weepiness, by my slowness to adjust to this life change after counting down the days, waiting for our baby to be born.

Today Lena's milk came in--Leo is already nearly back at his birth weight; he's a most excellent nurser--but it is me, not Lena, who's fighting back tears, feeling lost and alone in my new role as Leo's other mother. I've been remarking over how the lack of postpartum hormones has actually been somewhat challenging for me (it's so much harder to wake up in the night!), but now I wonder if maybe I've absorbed some by osmosis as I deal with my NGP version of the baby blues. When I experienced this with our other babies, only briefly right when my milk came in, I found it most helpful to take a bath with them. So that's what I'm planning to do with Leo tonight, right after I get said other "babies" to bed.

And thus the journey begins.

13 comments:

May said...

Lex - what an honest and thoughtful and loving post. You are amazingly wonderful. Xox

Sophie said...

Hey Lex,
It's your cousin, Sophie. I know it's been a while since we've seen each other, but I just wanted to say that I have been reading some of your blog posts, and I really enjoy hearing about your life. Your children are all gorgeous, and little Leo looks like a very sweet addition to your and Lena's family. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you, and I am happy to hear that you are enjoying life. I would love to visit all of you sometime! xoxo Sophie

Melissa B said...

Fantastic post. So thoughtful and loving and open and honest. THIS is why I read blogs-- to understand a new perspective and to see the world through the eyes of other loving moms. Thank you for sharing this moment.

Lyn said...

Lex -- You said that you remember how it is to feel physically connected after giving birth, even after the cord was cut. When you are an NGP, that connection still comes, but it grows over time. With your first three, you first became their mother by carrying and birthing them. With Leo, you become his mother through acts of mothering (and you should go climb in bed with Lena and the baby once the big kids are at camp).

Also, Gail is sitting next to me and says it does get easier, but it is still is a challenge to reconcile all of the different responsibilities (to the house, the big kids, lena and the baby)

And, from both of us, we're really glad you are getting a chance to be an NGP. You are going to do great.

craftymama said...

welcome baby Leo!
lex- thank you for that beautiful heartfelt post. i can (almost) feel what you're feeling, as i end the baby years it resonates for me. Lena is lucky to have you. (hey- do you know about lemon balm for postpartum? make a tea with fresh or dried lemon balm for hormonal balance- maybe good for you both!)

Stephanie said...

Thanks for that beautiful and honest post! A a queer homebirth midwife who will hopefully get to be both mama and other mama in the near future, and just want you to know how much i loved the truthfulness of that post.
congratulations to both of you, and i look forward to continuing to follow this journey with you!

Anna said...

i love your blog for the honesty & thoughtfulness you always manage to bring to your writing, & particularly so here. enjoy your bath with leo.

Celeste said...

I totally agree with MB. Thank you for sharing this part of the journey with us, your trusted readers.

In some way, sadly, this reminds me of my journey with my twins. Since they were first born by c-section, then I didn't get to be with them for many hours, I was left with a feeling that they weren't really from me. I missed out on that chance to have them respond to me the way you described in your own lying-in period.

It's a totally different situation, of course, but the emotions you describe resonated for me in that way. I hope you have lots of support as you discover this new kind of mothering, and wish you peace, tenderness, and room to cry when you need it.

lex's li'll sis said...

You are such a wonderfully amazing mother, sister. Now you get to see a whole other yet no less important side to your motherhood, and it will help you to become all the more an amazing mother to your other sons, too. I LOVE YOU sososososo much

Mrs. A said...

I can't say anything that hasn't already been said about your fantastic post. You have described an aspect of real parenthood so well. Thanks for putting your thoughts - from this post and all the others - out there for those of us who are not so eloquent.

I hope you all are having a memorable week. I can't wait to hear how things are going.

Homestead Mom said...

Love your blog. My RSS reader tanked right before the birth and I thought you hadn't posted for days, and was worried.

I've been on both sides - my partner had our 1st kid, and 8 months later I had our 2nd. It was amazing both times in different ways. I had a similar disconnect when she birthed; it did pass in a short while. The exhaustion and hormonal trading that was going on exacerbated it for a bit. Once I had our 2nd, we both started nursing both kids a few times a week just so they would get used to how it would be. My daughter started out nursing with me with her eyes averted, knowing I wasn't the mom she was used to. That went away in a few weeks, but was funny/heartbreaking for the duration.

I guess I should comment more. I have too much to say! We're trying for our 3rd now, and I love reading about your large family working just fine. I get a lot of resistance from other folks who think we're nuts for having more than 2.

Thanks for your honesty and investment of time in blogging. I look forward to the posts.

Homestead Mom

Intertwined said...

This post really helped me to understand what it must feel like for my husband to become a father. It doesn't always come easy for him and I am sometimes less than gentle with his feelings. Like Celeste said, totally different situation but the emotions rang true for me. Thank you so much for sharing. :)

Anonymous said...

Well put.

Congratulations. I appreciate your self-awareness. Your wife is lucky to have a partner who, despite feeling blue, is doing her best to help her enjoy the blissful parts of post-partum bio-motherhood. Though it seems strange, there is something to be said for being able to leave for an hour and not break out into hives. :)

Enjoy the adventure that is life as an NGP. Seek out the perks. There actually are a few more...