My Leo

I have been struggling over the past several weeks to try and figure out what happened here. Why I can't seem to find the time to blog when really, truly, there is so much I want to say. I write blog posts in my head all the time. Walking to town. Biking to pick the kids up at school. Building chicken fences. Lying in bed in the early morning, surrounded by my sleeping--and sniffling--family. And of course I can easily think of a million reasons for why my words aren't making it into written form: the new house and the never-ending projects that come with it, the fact that I'm working outside the home now, or that Lena and I now have a day alone (with the baby) together every week, or that we've all been sick with this seemingly never-ending cough/cold, or that I've been letting the kids watch movies on my computer since the dvd player broke a few months ago, and thus it's less available to me. But really, I think the real reason for my absence in this space is that I've been a bit busy falling in love. And I've lost myself in it . . . in him.

Leo, 4 months

His name is Leo. He's nearly five months old. And he's mine.

I'm not sure when it happened exactly. Surely I've loved this baby since the moment he was conceived, maybe even before then. And when he first emerged, slippery and swollen and so, so beautiful, I felt his presence in my heart with a thud. Oh how I loved him. At the same time, in Leo's early weeks, I was tormented by how difficult it was for me to claim him as my own. After bringing three babies on to this planet and mothering them in a certain way, it was so hard for me to sit back and watch My Love with our fourth son, sleeping with him all day, wearing him and nursing him and continuing to be ONE with him as she had been for the previous nine months. All I could see was how different things were. I wanted so desperately to feel instantly as though he were my baby, and I didn't. I yearned for connection and attachment and the belief that even though he had not come from my body, he was every bit as much my son as Lukas, Jasper and Zeben.

I knew it would happen eventually, but I wished for a precise time line. I wanted someone wiser, someone who had been through this experience of gestational parenthood followed by non-gestational parenthood, to tell me exactly on which day I would feel like I was, indeed, Leo's Mother. The reality was much less predictable. Slowly, with each diaper change, burping session, and swaddling success, Leo and I began to know each other and to find a rhythm together. I think it wasn't until Lena went back to work and I began to have larger chunks of alone time with Leo (I officially have him 3 days a week, and sometimes bring him to work with me on my "off" days) that everything finally came together. I became more confident in knowing what Leo needed and when, and he became more comfortable with my baby-soothing methods.

I noticed small changes at first. That suddenly I was checking on him more when he was sleeping, worried that he'd stop breathing (an instinct I experienced with our first three children in the first few weeks after birth, but which was a couple months delayed in regards to Leo). I began to miss him more when I was away from him. I could feel love rushing through me when we were reunited at the end of the day. And I became less and less aware of the differences in the experience of mothering Leo, until, eventually, I never thought about them at all.

tandem nursing Leo and Zeb on the kitchen floor
(photo by Jaz)

Certainly my ability to breastfeed Leo has been a tremendous aid in our bonding process, especially for someone like me for whom mothering and breastfeeding are nearly synonymous. That said, I was surprised to realize a couple of weeks ago, when Leo went on a bit of a nursing strike with me (I think it was right when he really figured out that there was a difference between nursing with me and nursing with Lena), that it wasn't nearly as upsetting as I had anticipated it would be. I was disappointed and thought it was unfortunate to lose that parenting tool, but I didn't feel like less of Leo's mother without the ability to nurse him. I'd already learned plenty of other ways to soothe him and keep him happy, and I felt like we'd do just fine together without the option of my breasts. Thankfully, after a few days, Leo came to his senses and we resumed our nursing relationship (which is still mainly for comfort, or to tide him over in-between feedings with Lena). But it was a really good test for me. To see that I can, indeed, be a mother to a baby without nursing, and that it actually felt OK.

loving my baby up

There is still a difference, when I'm out and about with Leo, in comparison to my experiences with our other babies. Lena and I have decided that we'd rather she not express her breastmilk for Leo because we both believe that Lena and Leo should never be separated for more than 4 hours at the absolute longest (we try to keep their separations to 2-3 hours). And so, I have to look at the clock more when I'm with Leo than I did with the older boys. But I'm finding that it actually works out just fine. If I've gone to town for the morning, sometimes Lena will come in and meet me someplace to nurse the baby before returning to work. Or, I plan my outings in such a way that I have time to stop back home right when Leo needs to eat. Leo nurses less on the days he's with me than he does on the days he's with Lena (when he nurses at least every 2 hours, if not more frequently), but he seems to do just fine with making up for his missed feedings in the evenings. He really is just about the happiest baby ever, which I think is the best indicator that what we're doing is working. And rather than feeling frustrated at being tethered to My Love and her milkiness, I find I'm really enjoying how very cooperative this parenting arrangement is. It was never like this with our other kids, and I really regret that we weren't able to share more in the daily mothering of them when they were babies. And, as much as Leo enjoys getting a chance to reconnect with his Mama every few hours throughout her working days, I really enjoy getting to see so much of My Love as well. Everyone wins.

Leo, happy in Mama's sling

But falling in love with a baby does have its downsides. It's rather distracting. I may think that I'm going to spend the morning writing on the computer while the baby plays happily beside me on his sheepskin. But then he smiles at me. And I find him a tad irresistible. And my brain turns to mush. So I close my computer and join the baby on the sheepskin instead. Lots of lost time, but absolutely no regrets.

Despite my reduced amount of blogging time/attention as of late, I have promised myself that I will blog everyday for the rest of this month (FROM 11/18/09 through 11/30/09, so 12 MORE POSTS THIS MONTH!) in attempt to get myself back on track. Thank you so much for hanging in with me despite my prolonged absence.