River Baby

Last week after camp one day, I took the kids to play in a little river not far from our house. The water was quite shallow--what a dry summer we've had!--but it proved quite entertaining nonetheless. Leo was especially enchanted and would have climbed among the rocks for hours if I'd let him (as it was, we couldn't stay long before needing to head home for dinner). I was struck by Leo's confidence and ability; even on the slimy, moss-covered rocks, he never slipped, lost his balance, or seemed the least bit frightened.


He was all trust and zero hesitation. He never questioned whether or not he should be in the river. He simply immersed himself fully in the bliss of it all.


And I wished, as I watched him, and photographed him, that I could have been just as trusting of this process of becoming his mother. That I could have found myself suddenly placed in the river of non-gestational parenthood, and just instantly made myself at home, purely thrilled to be experiencing something so new and exciting. I wished that I could have been confident from the start in my ability to be this baby's mom.


I have doubted so much in the last year, it has become a pattern for me: to doubt. I struggle to let myself trust fully, without holding back. Still I catch myself, rejoicing in any small sign from Leo that he knows me, and likes me, and wants me. And the grown-ups who are witness to my surprise always say, "well of course he does!" But the truth of this attachment--that Leo and I share--has been so hard for me to believe, that even when it's glaringly obvious I find myself tempted to question it. He looks up at me with his breathtaking blue eyes, full of trust and love, and I think to myself, "really? Me? I get to be your mom?"


But it is real. This love, and attachment and connection is beautiful and strong and enduring. I am so grateful to my baby for taking me on this journey, and for not giving up on me, not even when I have felt ready to give up on myself.