This is Lena's story, in her words.
I am writing this while my 6 day old baby is sleeping on my chest, with my laptop propped on a nursing pillow on my lap in my postpartum nest where I have dutifully stayed resting since the birth.
I had been having Braxton hicks contractions fairly regularly for weeks. I often had times in the night when I would feel them stronger, or have insomnia. But Thursday morning, my due date, when I woke up at about 4:30 am to pee, the contractions did feel a little different. More present. I felt myself wanting for spiral my hips through them just a little bit. I couldn’t go back to sleep. I got back in bed anyway and observed the contractions, coming fairly regularly, every 15 or 20 minutes or so. Some I felt more than others. Jasper, who often comes into bed and snuggles up to me at some point in the middle of the night, was in bed next to me as I rolled my hips through the contractions, unable to fall back asleep. I rested that way until morning.
A little after 7 am, Jaz and Luke had gone outside to check on our goat who was also pregnant and due anytime. I turned to Lex and told her softly, as Zeben sucked on her boob, that I thought I might be in early labor. I was very unsure about this because I was pretty sure my labor would start with my water breaking. All of my mother and sister’s labors had started that way and I was fairly certain that mine would follow that pattern.
We got up and started the day, getting the boys all ready for camp and nursery school, packing lunches and eating breakfast. We had been planning on going to the farmer supply coop 30 minutes away to get some supplies for our goats. We decided to go anyway, but called our midwife and let her know that we suspected the possibility of early labor and we would call again if it obviously progressed. She advised us to continue our day as planned, but to eat and drink well and rest as much as possible. The contractions became less regular and a bit less intense during the day. We had a productive trip to Greenfield. As we drove by our backup hospital on our way home, I commented that I hoped we didn’t see this place any time soon.
I took a shower and a brief nap when we got home while Lex picked Zeben up from school. At that point a professional photographer was scheduled to come take pregnant pictures of us. A friend of ours is starting a parenting support center in Northampton and they are decorating the walls with photographs of families and realized they didn’t have any lesbian pregnant pictures, so they asked if we would agree to be photographed before I had the baby. We cut it pretty close, but there we were posing half naked for photos while light contractions continued and occasionally I felt liquid of some sort drip down my legs. The day continued without much progress, Lex picked up the older boys from school and went grocery shopping on the way home. I had clearly stated that I wanted the house filled with fruit and food our children liked as part of my birth plan. I lay down again while she was gone, but didn’t sleep.
Our midwife called to check in that late afternoon, we told her how the day had gone and that we would call again if the contractions picked back up. We had a great dinner, I had a good apatite and ate copious amounts of cous cous, grilled zucchini, summer squash and apple chicken sausage. I was glad I had a good apatite, but I thought it might mean active labor was still a ways off. I also hoped that I would be able to digest the dinner before any onset of active labor because if I had to throw up that menu later would be pretty disgusting.
I put Luke and Jaz to bed that night, I read to them on the mattress on the floor in their room, pausing to breathe through the occasional contractions. Lukas asked me what was wrong, I said nothing was wrong but I might be in labor. He said, well early labor right? I told him I thought we might be moving toward mid-labor, but we would probably have the baby out sometime in the next few days. The boys went to bed well, I rubbed Lukas’ feet and snuggled Jaz as usual.
When I came down stairs it was just after 8 pm. I called my sister and told her I thought I might be in early labor, but was not sure, she told me she wanted me to call any time of night when I was sure, I told her I would. Then I called my parents and told them I thought I might be in early labor and asked if they would be able to be on call to help out with the old boys the next day in case I was in active labor. We didn’t want to send them away to nursery school and art camp if that was happening, they said they’d be happy to and to call them anytime. At that point Lex called Katie, our good friend who is a birth doula and had been our midwife’s assistant and would be at our birth. She decided to come over and check in, we asked her to bring her birth ball and to pick up some lemonade and Gatorade. I had been reading Baby Catcher by Peggy Vincent, I had just read about the birth of her third child in which she called repeatedly for iced tea. I imagined that I was going to call repeatedly for lemonade in the same way and wanted to be stocked up. Katie insisted on the Gatorade for it’s high electrolyte content. By the time Katie showed up the contractions weren’t much stronger but were more regular at about every 20 minutes, but varying from 15 to 30 minutes and sometimes lasting 5 minutes, and sometimes lasting 15 seconds. We put the drinks in the fridge and inflated her birth ball with our loud electric air pump.
Katie stayed until about 10:30 and then we all decided we should go to bed and get some rest, if the labor progressed we would call Katie back, but if it didn’t we would all need our strength for the coming days. Katie went home and we went upstairs and watched a show online in bed until about midnight when we turned off the lights to sleep for the night. Lex fell right to sleep. I tried to sleep but the contractions were getting stronger.
By 12:15 I started having contractions that there was no way I could lie down through. I got on my hands and knees and spiraled by pelvis in bed, then they started coming more frequently and were stronger, I got up and went to the bathroom and leaned on the sink and spiraled. For the first time I had to moan through some. Some were stronger than others but over the next hour while I let Lex sleep they became much more frequent, about every 3 to 5 minutes and stronger. At about 1:15 I woke Lex up and told her that I thought I was in active labor. The progression of contraction strength and frequency were hard to deny. Lex decided she should check my dilation before we called the midwife. She had checked me a few times over the last week, including the day before, so she had a reference point for comparison. She checked me on the floor in our book nook and I was just about one centimeter dilated.
We went downstairs and called Katie and our midwife. Katie decided to come right over, she could help us decide when it would be a good time to set up the birth tub and tell our midwife, Tanya, that it was definitely time to come. Lex called Tanya and told her about the contractions and the dilation, since I wasn’t very dilated Tanya thought it would probably take until the next day, I should try to eat, drink and rest as much as possible and that we should check in as things progressed. She said she would probably see us tomorrow. At this point I started feeling sick and I ran to the sink and threw up, retching repeatedly while running water and rinsing out my mouth. Our garbage disposal has been broken for a while and the, luckily mostly digested, puke wasn’t washing away well and I begged Lex to do something because the smell was horrible for me. She grabbed the plunger and drained the sink while I continued to rinse my mouth. I knew that puking in labor can really help dilation, so I tried to think positively about it, but I was nervous that this was just the first of many pukings. Luckily it turned out to be the only one.
By the time Katie arrived I was moaning through all of the contractions. Lex put on the birth mix I had started working on. I enjoyed the first song, “Walking in Memphis” and found it helpful to listen to during the contractions, which were taking more and more of my focus as I paced around the kitchen. When “Ooh child” came on next I immediately knew it was the wrong kind of beat and without even realizing what song it was yelled for it to be skipped. For me this kind of marked a shift from being a regular person with contractions, to being a bossy woman in labor. After the mix played through I realized that I had felt best during the Enya track and asked for that album after that.
Katie encouraged me to rest as much as possible between contractions, because this could still last for days. She encouraged me to lie down on the couch and drink something between every contraction. I was able to lie down between contractions for a little while, I drank some lemonade water (lemonade mixed with water, my favorite drink these days) from a straw after every contraction. They weren’t exactly regular in length or frequency, but they were stronger and stronger and taking more and more of my attention. For most of them I was having to get up and spiral my pelvis and moan, I tried being on my knees with my hands and elbows on the couch and hanging over the birth ball on the couch, both these positions helped as I rolled and moaned. I don’t know how long it went on like this, I had lost a sense of time, the pattern was only broken by occasionally going upstairs to pee. I asked Lex to call my sister because I was certain that I was in labor and she wanted to know, and it was not going to last for days, not at this pace. At a certain point I stopped being able to lie down at all and I started needing someone to push on my lower back. This need for lower back pressure became more and more desperate. I tried to keep my moaning low and my jaw loose like Ina May recommends, but during the stronger contractions this was taking more conscious effort.
At some point it started seeming like the contractions were never stopping, I had a vague awareness of Katie and Lex talking to each other in hushed tones and calling Tanya. They told her about the progression of the contractions, I heard them say double peaking and remember feeling like they were quintuple peaking. Tanya asked Lex if I felt like I wanted her to come, Lex asked me and I moaned out a desperate “YES”. At this point I felt like the contractions were so intense that I had to have this baby soon, and our midwife lives about an hour away, I couldn’t imagine this going on for much more than a few more hours.
Just after the phone call I was on my knees leaning on the couch, moaning and rocking through a contraction when I felt something dripping down my legs. I was wearing a loose V neck tee shirt and a loose calf-length black skirt, as I went up stairs saying it was time to pee again I remember saying that some kind of liquid was dripping down my legs. I was thinking that my water had finally broken, but as I pulled myself up the stairs I lifted the skirt and saw that blood was flowing down both my legs to my knees. I got to the bathroom and peed, stripped off my clothes and asked Katie to start the shower, and the not make it hot. I never went downstairs again. I washed the blood off my legs and dropped to my hands and knees as the next contraction washed over me. There were two wash clothes in the tub left from when I gave them to Luke and Jaz to wash their feet and knees in a shower the previous night. Between contractions I shoved the wash clothes under my knees, which were digging into the sides of the rounded bottom of our clawfoot tub. I braced my arms on the side and the back of the tub, between the rounded edge and the wall. I called for a hand towel the pad the back of the tub as I rested my head on it and felt the shower on my lower back. I still needed someone to be pressing as hard as they could on my back at all times, it was the only thing that got me through.
Zeben woke up in our bedroom and Lex went to nurse him back to sleep. Katie had been planning to go set up the birth tub, but I needed her to press on my back desperately. Eventually the hot water ran out and the shower went from luke warm to cold, so I asked someone to turn it off, but continued on my knees despite the lack of running water. At this point the contractions were so intense it felt like a freight train was hurtling through me. I moaned and yelled, trying to keep my tone low, but loosing control as the strongest ones peaked. It felt like someone was trying to shove a baby’s head into the deepest depths of my ass and they were succeeding despite any size restrictions. It was a feeling impossible to describe, but unlike what some friends had warned me of, I never felt like I was dying or like I couldn’t do it.
Then, suddenly, I felt like I had to push. It wasn’t like I had a choice about it, it felt like my body was going to push whether I did or not. I remembered that if a woman’s body feels like it needs to push she is probably 10 cms and the baby could come real quickly, or it could take a long time, but it certainly meant I wanted my midwife to be there. I told Katie I had to push and she encouraged me to breathe through the urge and try my hardest to not push until Tanya arrived. This was the hardest thing in the world. Like trying to tell your body not to have explosive diarrhea, when you do. Only instead of liquid shit, it’s a baby’s head my body was convulsing to expel out of what felt like my ass. I blew as hard as I could out my mouth, I screamed and moaned loader than ever, I think I said “oh God, oh God”, but I can’t be sure. I blew raspberries with my lips and did everything I could to concentrate on redirecting my pushing uterus. I reached down and felt for his head. I could feel something; it felt like the water bag, then a couple millimeters of water, and then his head. I kept my hand on his head and tried to hold him in while I tried to stop my body from pushing. I wasn’t totally successful, some pushing happened despite my best efforts, but I held it back for, what I am told now, was about 25 minutes until Tanya arrived. That was by far the most intense 25 minutes of my life.
During that time Lex gave up on trying to nurse Zeben back to sleep and they both came in the bathroom. Zeben stood quietly watching me intently with a plastic whale toy and a bath hippo in his hands. I looked over at him, when I could, between contractions and tried to smile and tell him it was okay. He seemed rapt, yet calm and surprisingly unfazed throughout the rest of the birth. I was so grateful to hear Tanya arrive. She came into the bathroom and checked my dilation, I think she said something like, “oh yeah, we got a baby coming here.” Then she told me that I could just do what my body felt like doing. Tanya quickly checked Leo’s heartbeat with her Doppler and I was amazed at my ability to stop all sound while I listened to his perfect little heartbeat. Then I resumed pushing and moaning. Although I wouldn’t say that pushing felt “good”, it certainly felt more satisfying and natural than trying to stop my body from pushing. I let my body push, I really felt my body take over beyond consciousness. I moaned, grunted, yelled, and pushed while on my hands and knees in the tub. I felt a sudden pop and clear liquid squirted from me as my water broke. Very little water came out because Leo’s head was crowning and blocking the flow of the rest of the fluid. I suddenly felt like I couldn’t get my knees far enough apart for the baby to come out and I felt like that was what was going to happen next. I moaned this sentiment out to the crowd in the little bathroom and they responded by quickly getting a birth stool that Tanya had brought and putting it right next to the tub.
Between pushing urges I stood up and climbed out of the tub and positioned myself on the birth stool. I still felt like I needed to hang on something and I articulated that somehow. Lex sat down on our little foot stool in front of me and I hung onto her neck, buried my face in her neck and made pushing sounds, said “oh my God” repeatedly and blew raspberries as my body was wracked with intense pushing rushes. Tanya checked Leo’s heartbeat again and squatted next to me, she told me that if I felt like the pushing was getting too painful that I wanted to shy away from it, I should avoid that urge and try to push through it. I never shied back from the pushing, I gave into the rushes sweeping through my body and allowed my body to push with all it’s might. In what seemed like no time at all, but was probably 5 or 10 minutes, I felt the pushing urge peak and pushed as hard as I could through it and felt the head move through my yoni, the pushing urge continued, and I looked down between my legs as I pushed Leo’s shoulders out and watched as Tanya, who squatted next to Lex and I, caught my purple scrawny little baby as he dropped between my legs. His cord was around his neck and she quickly un-looped it. She saw him take a breath and she put him right up and into my arms. I’d been reading so many birth stories I was ready for him to start crying right away and for all the pain I’d been feeling to immediately disappear and become blissfully filled with oxytocin love hormones. He didn’t cry immediately, so I just kept saying, “why isn’t he crying”, while no one else seemed worried. They said he was breathing and he just didn’t need to cry yet, but I still felt like I needed to hear him cry to know it was real and all was good. While I held him and watch him incredulously he gave a little crying squawk and then I let myself believe that it was real. Somebody said something about him being born at 5:26 am. I stared at the little naked baby on my naked chest and marveled at him, at the cord that still ran from him to inside of me and just knew that this was crazy moment.
There was bustling happening all around me as I stared at the baby in my arms. Chux pads were moved around, for some reason the stool was moved and I was sitting on the floor on a pad and Tanya was getting ready to catch the placenta. She said if I felt another urge to push to do so, right after that I felt a small contraction, nothing compared to what I had just endured, and I went with it and out came the rest of the cord and the placenta. The cord blood had finished pulsing and Tanya tied off Leo’s cord and Lex cut it. Apparently it was very thick. I was still very dazed, staring at the little baby on me and surprised by how much my body ached.
At this point our older boys, who remarkably had slept through the entire birth in the bedroom just across from the bathroom, woke up. A procession of people, supporting the baby and me and holding a chux pad between my legs worked our way through the boy’s room and into our room, where our bed was waiting for me to climb into with Leo. The boys met their little brother, with incredible excitement while I positioned myself on chucks pads on the bed.
Everything is kind of a blur after that, I snuggled Leo skin to skin, I was overwhelmed by exhaustion, Katie, Tanya and Lucinda, Tanya’s midwife partner who I had not noticed arrive, helped clean up while Lex, the boys and I acquainted ourselves with Leo on the bed. I tried getting Leo to nurse; he took to it quite quickly. I nursed him lying on my side because I was far too sore to consider sitting up. After bonding for a while it was time for the infant exam, I was curious to know how big he was, we all made guesses, and he was 7 lbs 2 oz. We washed the blood off of Leo and me with warm wet wash clothes. Tanya checked me and I only had one tiny tear that didn’t even need a stitch.
It has been almost a week since then, Leo is nursing beautifully, my milk came in, my wife has been taking wonderful care for me as I have stayed in this postpartum nest recovering. Leo is so beautiful. He is very peaceful. He mainly fusses when we switch him from horizontal to vertical or vice-versa, besides that he is sleeping, nursing or staring about. He loves to be worn by Lex in the sling and he sleeps curled up in my arms next to me between nursings and changings throughout the night. We are all very in love.
[Scroll down or click here to read Leo's Birth Story from Lex's perspective].
7/11/09
The Birth of Leo Star: Lena's Story
7/6/09
Leo's Birth: My Perspective
While we were at the beach, I was hoping--of course--that Lena would not go into labor until we got back home. But I was also hoping that we wouldn't have to wait a long, long time for Leo to be born. I figured that the ideal scenario would be that we'd return home safely, have some time to unpack, do 100 loads of sandy laundry, resettle, and that THEN labor would start, right at 40 weeks or so. And this is exactly what happened.
I had a feeling on Monday, June 22nd, that something was shifting. Lena started to act a little bit spacey, mixing up her words now and then (i.e. saying "two eggs in one yolk!" instead of "two yolks in one egg!"), putting batteries in wrong, losing my credit card in the pocket of her sweater, just some small uncharacteristic things. A friend called us and asked if we would be willing to be professionally photographed because she is opening a new maternal wellness center and wanted a photo of a "pregnant lesbian couple" to hang on the wall. I said sure, but let her know that it better happen soon because I didn't think we were going to be a pregnant lesbian couple for much longer. We made loose plans for the photographer to come that Wednesday.
On Tuesday, Lena went for her monthly acupuncture appointment and I wondered if that would get labor started. But, when she returned home, she told me that her acupuncturist (and long-time family friend) said that he didn't feel comfortable doing anything to stimulate labor since he believes that all babies should get to choose their birth dates. There was no physical indication that labor was about to start anytime soon, and Lena seemed pretty stable emotionally too. She certainly wasn't sending down eviction notices or talking about wishing the baby would just get out. Nor was she lamenting that she would be pregnant forever. I started to wonder if maybe we still had a couple weeks to wait after all.
But then, on Wednesday morning, Lena said, "you mean, this could go on for another two weeks?!" And I smiled and said yes, but also thought that her change in attitude/tone was a good sign. That night we had a picnic in town, and had fun telling everyone we ran into that Lena was due the very next day. On Thursday morning, the due date, I woke up at the usual time, and Lena said, "I think I might be in early labor." She explained that she'd been having regular, mild (but stronger than Braxton Hicks) contractions since about 4:30 a.m. They were coming every 10-15 minutes. She had also maybe lost her mucus plug, which she saved for me to inspect. I jumped up and ran into the bathroom, just as I had on the morning when Lena peed on the pregnancy test in October, and inspected the suspect mucus. It looked like a plug to me!
We knew that it could still be days--or maybe even longer--before our baby was actually born, but it definitely seemed like something was starting to happen. We made the kids' lunches and got them ready to go to camp. Lena called our midwife to let her know what was happening, just in case she had been planning to go out of town or something. Our midwife said her schedule was wide open, and advised Lena to eat well, drink lots of water, and try to sleep as much as possible. I also called the photographer--who hadn't come the day before due to the weather--and told her that she should probably come sooner rather than later if she wanted to photograph the pregnant belly. She planned to come around 1:00.
Our goat, Chive, had been steadily declining in health for the past few days, and I had been planning to go to the farm store about 30 minutes away to get some de-worming medication for her (wanting to rule out worms first). Lena decided that she would come with me, so we dropped the kids off at camp together and hopped onto the interstate. Lena had a couple of contractions in the car, and she would lift her bum up off the seat a bit to wiggle her hips through them. We were very excited. After getting everything we needed at the farm store, we headed over to the co-op to pick up some groceries (and to check and see if they had Lena's most favorite eclairs, which, sadly, they didn't). I decided to get some snack food for the kids so that they'd have plenty to eat over the next couple of days, in case this was labor.
I dropped Lena off at home so that she could shower and try to take a nap before the photographer came. She was still having contractions, though they seemed less frequent (every 20-30 minutes now). I then went to pick up Zeben and brought him back home. I decided not to put him down for a nap, since when he naps he tends to stay up very late at night (usually until at least 10:00), and if he doesn't nap, he's in bed by 6:45. I theorized that labor--if this was labor--would likely pick up once it got dark out, and I thought it would be nice to have Zeben asleep for as much of the evening as possible. Lena, on the other hand, had indeed fallen asleep for a quick nap, sleeping through any contractions she may have had during that time.
The photographer arrived and started taking pictures of Lena outside, and eventually I joined in the "fun" (I actually really hate having my picture taken, but it wasn't that bad). A vintage pick-up truck had mysteriously appeared in our yard a couple of days before, and the photographer had a great time taking pictures of Lena sitting in the cab, with me leaning on the hood. We both ended up getting naked from the waist up, which was a little nerve-wracking since we don't live in the most private location, but our landlords were away (one of our hopes for labor all along), so it seemed OK. Lena continued to have contractions throughout the photo shoot, though they definitely seemed to be petering out a bit.
a photo from the shoot
walking along the river
pausing for a contraction in the gardenWhen Katie arrived, around 9:00, she noted that the contractions were coming way more often than we had said (we were still thinking they were coming every 15 minutes or so, but hadn't been timing them). Katie timed a few and said it was more like every 8 minutes. Zeben woke up soon after Katie got here and didn't want to go back to sleep. He thought he had just taken a really late nap. So I set him up in front of a Charlie and Lola movie, got him a snack, and continued hanging out with Katie and Lena. We blew up Katie's birth ball since we realized that ours had a hole in it (not surprising since the boys had been playing with it outside for a few weeks). Katie listened to the baby's heartbeat with her fetascope, and Lena and I got to listen too! It was actually the first time I'd heard his heartbeat since our 13-week midwife appointment (where we listened with the doppler). Our midwife's fetascope doesn't work for me (I can't hear a thing), but Katie's worked great. It was the best sound in the world. Lena still seemed completely coherent, and it was unclear whether or not labor would start in the night or if the contractions might just stop all together once we went to bed. At 11:00, Katie left, and Lena, Zeb, and I went upstiars. Zeben quickly fell asleep and Lena and I watched a show for an hour. During contractions, Lena would flip onto her hands and knees, but the contractions weren't taking much of her attention. At midnight, we decided that we should try to sleep. I didn't think I'd be able to--too excited--but apparently I fell asleep instantly. The next thing I remember was hearing Lena moaning and feeling her rocking beside me, and then she woke me up and said that she thought she was in active labor.
It was 1:15 a.m. Lena had been having diarrhea, and said the contractions were coming every five minutes, if not more frequently. She thought it was time to call Katie and the midwife. I suggested that maybe I should check her dilation first so that we'd have that information to tell the midwife and to gauge how things were progressing. I had been checking her dilation every so often for the past couple of weeks, and I knew that her cervix had been completely closed the day before. So I washed my hands, and checked and found that her cervix had moved down quite a bit, and that it was just about 1 cm dilated. I knew that generally it wouldn't be considered "active labor" until 3-4 cm dilation, but Lena seemed quite distressed and was definitely acting like she was in active labor. We went downstairs so that we could call Katie and the midwife. I called Katie first and told her that we wanted her to come. She was definitely surprised to hear from us again so soon! I explained that Lena was only 1 cm dilated but that things were intense and that we could use some support (I thought that having Katie there would help "lighten" things up). I told the midwife that the contractions were coming every 5 minutes or so, and that they definitely required all of Lena's attention (she did not feel like she could make the phone call herself), and that she was 1 cm dilated. The midwife said that she would come whenever we wanted her to, and I said that we would wait until after Katie arrived so that she could help us assess the situation. Our midwife thought that sounded great and again advised us to try to rest, and said that maybe Lena should try to take a warm bath to help her relax in order to sleep. I learned from our midwife later, that she didn't expect to hear from us again until the next day.
Katie arrived just as Lena finished throwing up in the sink. She told us that she thought our primary goal should still be to sleep, so she helped us get cozy on the green couch in the kitchen. When Lena would have a contraction, she'd flip over and put her knees on the floor, leaving her head on the couch. After a little while, she needed to have someone pressing hard on her lower back during contractions. Katie and I took turns doing this and Katie was so great about making sure that Lena was drinking. Katie also checked the baby's heart tones with her fetascope, and it was amazing to see how much lower Leo was than he had been a few hours before (based on location of his heartbeat). Things seemed rather serious and intense, and at some point I said, "hey, what happened to the dance party?" Lena smiled a little--I think that was the only time during the whole active portion of labor--and I turned on the labor mix.
Jaz woke up, and was confused when he couldn't find Lena in bed (usually he snuggles her in the night). I snuggled him back into his own bed, and told him that we simply hadn't gone to bed yet (I purposefully did not tell him that Lena was in labor). While I was upstairs, I also quickly posted to the blog and facebook that labor was a happening thing. When I got back down, I felt more awake than I had before, and suggested that I make a breakfast birthday pound cake for Leo. Katie said it wasn't time to do anything like that yet, and that we should really still be trying to sleep (in retrospect, I'm really glad I didn't start making a cake just then!).
Around 3:15, Katie suggested that I try to lie down in the living room and see if I could fall asleep. We still thought that we had hours to go, and since Lena only needed one person pushing on her back, it seemed to make sense that we should trade off. I went and laid down, but couldn't fall asleep. It seemed like I was hearing Lena moaning more and more frequently, so I went back into the kitchen. It was 3:45. Katie said that the contractions were coming much closer together, double-peaking, and that it was time to call the midwife again. I called her and explained what was happening, and said that she should come. She asked if I was sure if we wanted her--did Lena want her? I asked Lena and Lena said, "YES!" Our midwife lives nearly an hour away, so we knew it would be a while before she actually arrived.
Right after I called the midwife, Lena said that she had something wet on her legs, and she had to go to the bathroom. We went upstairs (our only bathroom is on the second floor), and discovered that both of Lena's thighs were covered in blood. It was pretty intense. Katie came up and I could tell from the look on her face that this wasn't something she had seen a lot before. She told me that that much blood probably meant a lot of cervical change. Lena got in the shower to wash off, and decided that it was a great place to labor. She resumed her trusty hands-and-knees position, with luke warm water pounding (lightly, since our water pressure is not amazing) on her back. She wasn't talking much at all, but she would yell out, "hands!!" if Katie or I weren't there and ready when a contraction hit. I remember her saying at one point, "Why aren't I getting a break? Isn't there supposed to be a break?" Katie and I just kept reminding Lena that she was doing a wonderful job. She really did seem like a professional birther to me, making all sorts of great noises, and moving her hips perfectly.
Katie started to think that it was time for us to set up the birth tub, and went downstairs to get things ready. I was pushing on Lena's back in the shower. Lena said the suddenly felt really constipated, and I said that that was probably just the baby moving lower. At this point, I was thinking that she was probably at 4 cm. Zeben woke up in the next room, and I called Katie to come up to be with Lena so that I could go and nurse him back to sleep. It was a little after 4:00, and that's when Zeb usually wakes up every morning and then nurses pretty continuously until 7:00, when he wakes up for the day. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to get him into a sound enough sleep for me to be able to go back to Lena. It was awful to lie there, nursing him, hearing Lena moaning in the bathroom. I just wanted to go to her. Finally, it seemed like he was asleep (I think it had probably been about 20 minutes), and I snuck back to the bathroom. Katie rushed downstairs to quickly get to the birth tub. I understood why after pushing on Lena's back for a contraction. It sounded a little bit like she was pushing, and then she said that she felt like she wanted to push. Katie came in, and I said, "it seems like she might be pushing?" And Katie nodded and said, "she is." But Lena was trying really hard NOT to push, and she was doing a great job blowing through her lips to try and disperse the energy. She wanted to wait for our midwife to arrive. Zeben came into the bathroom crying (as I feared, he was not able to sleep without me in bed at that point), but stopped once he saw what was happening. He remained quietly observant for the rest of the birth, and didn't leave my side.
Katie went downstairs and called the midwife again, telling her that Lena was pushing and to HURRY. Our midwife says that she then stepped on the gas and accelerated from 50 to 75 mph. It was such a wonderful sound to hear the midwife's truck drive into the driveway at 5:00 a.m. Katie helped her carry everything inside, and up to the bathroom. The first thing the midwife did was to check the baby's heartbeat with the doppler. Everything sounded great. She told Lena that Lena should just go with whatever urges she was feeling. She checked inside Lena's yoni and said that the baby's head was right there. Lena felt for the baby's head too and said, "it's not as close as I want it to be!" A few minutes after the midwife arrived, Lena's water broke with a pop and a splash. What better place to have it happen than in the bathtub! The fluid was clear, and the midwife checked Leo's heart tones again to make sure he was still doing well after the bag ruptured (and she continued to check his heart tones every few minutes for the rest of the labor).
Soon after that, Lena felt like she couldn't spread her legs wide enough apart in the tub to push the baby out. The midwife set up her birthing stool right next to the tub, and Lena climbed on to it. The midwife sat behind Lena, pushing on her back, and I sat on our little step stool in front of Lena. Our knees were touching and Lena grabbed onto my shoulders and buried her head in my neck. She pushed, and pushed and pushed. She was so strong. Sweat was dripping all over her. She said, "oh my god, oh my god, oh my god," but mostly just made amazing noises, occassionally blowing and panting. She really seemed to know exactly what to do. It was truly awesome.
We had planned on me trying to catch the baby, but from where I was sitting, I couldn't adequately reach, and I didn't want to abandon my post. I tried to help massage Lena's perenium with oil, which the midwife was also doing. Then suddenly, Leo's head was coming out! Once it started, it didn't stop, and his whole body slid out over the course of a few continuous pushes, along with a lot of fluid that splashed on my feet. A real baby!
Katie took this first picture of Leo from a small opening in the doorwayour bathroom is so small that the door had to be nearly closed
and there wasn't room for anyone else besides
the midwife, Lena, Zeben and me
--Leo is probably only barely a minute old here--
Lena's first look at Leo(he was still connected to her via the umbilical cord)
All this time, Luke and Jaz had been sleeping about 10 feet away. They are really sound sleepers when they're asleep! Jaz finally woke up with everyone bustling through the room (you have to walk through the boys' bedroom to get to our bedroom). Katie told him that his baby brother had just been born, and Jaz got the cutest smile. A few minutes later he woke up Lukas, who was elated, and all three gathered on the bed to check out their new brother.
welcome to the pack, baby brother!
the marvelous placentaThen the big kids went downstairs and, eventually, next door, so it was just Lena, Leo and me. A couple of hours later, the midwife came in did the newborn exam.
getting weighedHe seemed impossibly tiny.
me touching Leo for the first time,marveling at every little body part
The only thing I regret about our birth experience is that I checked Lena's dilation that one time. If I hadn't checked her, we would have likely had the midwife come much sooner, and would have had time to set up the birth tub and take advantage of everything else our midwife had to offer in labor. But Lena has no regrets at all--she feels like everything happened just as it was supposed to--and I guess that's all that really matters. But it does prove that dilation really doesn't mean much of anything at all!
Lena and Leo spent the first week postpartum almost entirely confined to the bed, and since then have gradually been spending more time up and about with the rest of us. We are still adjusting to our new-and-improved family, but are so glad that Leo decided to join us. He is the sweetest little one. We are all 100% smitten.
pure love
sleeping on mama's chestone week old
7/1/09
Finding My Way
Leo is five days old now--nearly six!--and while I still feel like he was just born yesterday, this new existence is starting to feel like the new normal (I'm sure it will feel even more normal once Lena and Leo leave the bed and join the rest of us downstairs). I am feeling much better about my status as the NGP of a newborn; thank you for all of your sweet comments on my last post. I think what's helping me the most is being careful to not compare this mothering experience to the experiences I had mothering our other newborns, and instead simply enjoying it for all that it is. I am also taking some of my own advice (given to many, many mothers in LLL over the years) and remembering about all of the ways a NGP (non-gestational parent) can care for and bond with a newborn in the absence of milk (though hopefully I will be sharing in the nursing of Leo in a small way when he's a bit older, Lena will continue to be his primary source of breastmilk). I've always loved babywearing, but I can already tell that I'm really going to love wearing Leo.
In bliss, wearing 4-day-old Leoabsolutely loves to be worn.
The first time he felt the sun on his face4 days old
I am so grateful to my wife, for having grown and birthed this shockingly beautiful baby, and for sharing him with me so genuinely. For encouraging me to hold him, and change him, and wear him whenever I can. For giving me the space to grow into my new role as Leo's mother, and for loving us both--Leo and me--so well.
6/29/09
On Becoming the Other Mother
This morning, for the first time since our baby was born on Friday, I had to leave our nest--and Lena and Leo--in order to take Jaz, Luke and Zeb to camp. The knowledge that I would have to be separated from the baby, likely within days of his birth, had been weighing heavy on my mind since early on in the pregnancy. After the births of our other children, I couldn't conceive of being apart from our babies for even a few minutes. Many people offered to watch them for us so that we could get a break, and I always turned them down, feeling internal panic at the very thought. The first time I left Luke and Jaz was when they were 8 months old. Lena and I went out to see a show in celebration of the first anniversary of our civil union. We left the babies with my mom, who was confident and capable, and who the boys knew well, but I was still worried. I remember how naked I felt, walking around downtown without a baby (or two) strapped to my body. The show was pretty good, I think, but I'm not really sure since I was too busy itching the huge hives that developed all over my belly to pay much attention. We returned home to two crying babies, and, while my hives quickly disappeared once we were reunited, I decided right then to not leave them again until I really felt ready (which happened about a year later). I don't remember exactly the first time I ever left Zeb, but it was sometime after his first birthday. There was never any need for me to be separated from him, and I decided that it was best to trust my instincts in that regard. This morning I left Leo for the first time, only three days after his birth.
As much as I fretted for the past several months over how it would feel to have to be separated from Leo when he was still so tiny, the actual experience felt really pretty fine. I never once worried about him. I didn't feel naked when walking through town to pick up some Soothies for Lena. I knew that he was safe at home, most likely nursing in his Mama's arms. And as pleased as I am that this is the case--that I can leave my newborn baby for an hour without having a panic attack--it's also a bit heart-breaking for me.
I am thrilled to be getting the chance to experience what it's like to be a NGP (non-gestational parent), but the transition has not been completely easy for me. I remember so well what it felt like to lie in bed with our other three babies when they were new. The heaven of doing nothing but sleeping, nursing, and studying every little expression that would move across their faces. The way they so quickly learned my smell, and would settle as soon as they got a whiff of me. Knowing that I was providing them with everything that they needed via my breasts and my milk. I was in my element. Watching Lena do all of these things with our fourth son, I can't help but feel some pangs for what I'm not experiencing during this babymoon. I think it would be easier if I didn't know what I was missing, if I didn't know how you can feel like you're still physically connected to your baby even after the umbilical cord has been cut. Because I miss feeling that this time.
Don't get me wrong, I adore my new son with all of my being. I cherish every moment I get with him snuggled against my body. I can't wait to know him, to figure out what calms him, to learn what his different cries mean, to feel like he's a part of me. But I am very aware of the fact that even though Leo has two mothers, he only really needs one of them right now. Which is not to say that I feel helpless, in any way. I am keeping Lena well-fed, making sure she sleeps whenever she can, helping her to enjoy every moment of this blissful time by keeping our older kids relatively entertained (or at least keeping their drama out of her space). And I know that by meeting Lena's needs, I am, in turn, helping to meet Leo's needs. But when so much of my past newborn mothering experience has been about breastfeeding and being physically attached to my babies nearly 24 hours a day, it's hard to feel like I'm still a mother to this new boy, when everything is so different.
I know that our relationship will change and develop over time. I know that Leo will need me someday soon. That I will feel like I really am his mom, and that he really is my baby. I will be the mom who wears him on my back while I milk the goats. I will be the mom who takes him for rides in the bakfiets. I will be the mom who bathes with him, and then plays peek-a-boo with a towel and gives him a massage. I will learn how to be Leo's mother just like I learned how to be Luke, Jaz and Zeben's mother. Perhaps it will be a less instinctual form of mothering, but I'm sure that it will be no less fulfilling.
I want nothing more than for Lena to enjoy this fleeting experience to the absolute fullest. I do not resent her for being holed away in the bedroom, falling in love with our baby, resting and getting used to her new milky hormones. And it truly warms my heart to see her in her new maternal state. She's so beautiful and soft looking, with an amazing light in her eyes. But I am surprised by my own weepiness, by my slowness to adjust to this life change after counting down the days, waiting for our baby to be born.
Today Lena's milk came in--Leo is already nearly back at his birth weight; he's a most excellent nurser--but it is me, not Lena, who's fighting back tears, feeling lost and alone in my new role as Leo's other mother. I've been remarking over how the lack of postpartum hormones has actually been somewhat challenging for me (it's so much harder to wake up in the night!), but now I wonder if maybe I've absorbed some by osmosis as I deal with my NGP version of the baby blues. When I experienced this with our other babies, only briefly right when my milk came in, I found it most helpful to take a bath with them. So that's what I'm planning to do with Leo tonight, right after I get said other "babies" to bed.
And thus the journey begins.
6/27/09
Very Loved Indeed
We have spent the past 40 hours beginning to get acquainted with baby Leo, trying to sneak some sleep in whenever we can, and figuring out what this new life--with four kids--is going to look like. It still feels completely unreal to me that we have a new baby in our house. I think I haven't fully integrated everything yet. Leo is absolutely dreamy. He's so peaceful and calm, and I love opening up his burrito-wrap blanket and examining every little part of him. I just can't stare at him enough.
teeny tiny wrinkly feet
Leo's fingers and Lena's fingers
perfect little mouth,resting his smooth head in my hand
the start of a smile!
blissed out Mama,my most amazing wife
big brother Zeb,holding his "bruddah Leelo"
big brother Jaz,always very careful to support Leo's head
big brother Luke,perhaps the most smitten of the bunch
Don't worry, Leo wasn't in any danger,Zeb was just doing a bit of a happy dance,
not actually trying to kick the baby
Leo takes his big brothers' crazy, rambunctious energy in stride. After all, he's been listening in on their chaos for months now, so he's used to it. But sometimes it is a little much for Lena and me. Luckily we are surrounded by many caring and supportive friends and family members, who are all working together to keep us well fed and to help us out with the big kids. We feel so grateful. It is such a luxury to get to just lie back in bed and fall in love with our new baby, without having to worry about what's for dinner or what Luke, Jaz and Zeb are doing. Thank you, everyone! We feel very loved indeed.
Lena and I are BOTH planning to write up the birth story sometime very soon and share it with you all (minus pictures since there sadly aren't any . . . things happened rather fast!).
6/26/09
Over The Moon
7 lbs., 2 oz.
19.5 inches long
born at home at 5:26 a.m. this morning
perfect in every way
Madonna is Singing
Lena's labor mix is blaring in the background, and it's 2:30 a.m. This is definitely happening. My wife is amazing. I am hoping that the kids will sleep through the night despite the fact that we are not in bed beside them. And also hoping that today will be Leo's birthday!
Lena at our Solstice party last Sunday40 weeks
Thank you for all of your well wishes! Updates to follow soon . . .
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