Random (and Real)

After a rather cold and wet October, we've been experiencing an oddly warm and sunny November. Walking into a local shop yesterday and hearing holiday (read: christmas) music playing felt very strange (dude, isn't the rule that they're supposed to wait until after Thanksgiving?), mostly because it was 60°+ outside, and we weren't even wearing jackets. We are not complaining about this unseasonably mild weather in the least. Rather, we plan on enjoying every last drop of warmth and sun that New England has to offer in November, storing it up, like Frederick, for the long winter that is sure to come (I mean, it has to, right?).

Today was another be-outside-from-breakfast-to-dinner kind of day, and I managed to take 301 photographs (thank goodness for digital cameras!). So what follows is a photo post, of sorts.

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Sometimes I think people would probably be able to guess that Leo is our fourth baby, even if none of our other kids were around. You know, just from the way we hold him.

Lena collecting things (including the baby) from the lawn

The other way Leo loves to be held:

Lena and Leo, twins born nearly 32 years apart

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We have added the phrase "I'm bored" to our list of "forbidden" words (others on the list include "stupid," "dumb," and all the traditional swear words that the kids have picked up on). Instead, the kids are now supposed to say, "can you help me think of something to do?" So when Jaz came to me with this particular request, as I was deeply engrossed in removing the root system of the Mountain Laurel I cut down yesterday, I quickly got him set up with one of my favorite projects: "Sticks & Hot Glue."

Luke and Jaz collected things from the yard
and then glued them onto pieces of firewood.

Jaz carefully mapped out his house

Lukas, never one to dawdle with this type of thing, quickly finished his:

"Country Getaway" by Lukas

And then, graciously, took glue orders from Zeben as he helped Zeb to make Zeb's own masterpiece (I told Lukas that Zeben could work the glue gun all on his own, but Luke assured me that that would most definitely not be safe, and quickly convinced Zeben that he should NOT touch the glue gun, like ever).

"I want glue right here."

Lukas aims and pulls the trigger.

Zeben attaches a third "tiny tree."

Zeben's "forest"

Jaz, as is typical in these types of situations, spent hours working on his creation, even adding miniature acorn furniture to the interior of his "log cabin."

"Log cabin in the woods" by Jaz

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Sometimes, Leo thinks I'm hilarious.


Sometimes, I'm only mildly amusing.


And sometimes, I think he's the funny one.

More on this infamous "funny face" in an upcoming post!

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Collecting eggs is so outrageously entertaining (seriously, still!) that sometimes I put the already-collected eggs back in the chicken coop just so the kids can experience the joy of collecting them again.

two white eggs/day is all we're getting these days,
but we're grateful to be getting any at all

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Just as the kids were finishing up with their hot glue project, more fun arrived! Katie and Aaron and Eli and Aryeh! To add to the excitement (and blood sugar levels), I made them all some hot chocolate.

Eli and Lukas drinking cocoa

EVEN MORE EXCITING,
they drank their hot chocolate around a fire!

Lena and Katie and Aaron made the fire.

Everyone was being silly, and I started taking some pictures. I love this one of Lukas:

We decided to take advantage of the good spirits and good lighting and try to get some "holiday card" worthy photos. Eli and Aryeh went first.

Looking Serious

Looking at an airplane

Smiling to the right of the camera

Smiling at each other

Getting Bored

Not willing to give up on the opportunity to get a good holiday-card-worthy photo of someone's kids in the amazing light, I made my own foursome climb into the tree. They were less than enthused.

But I love these pictures anyway.


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We ended the day by pretending it was still summer, roasting hot dogs and marshmallows, and planning a canoe camping trip for [next] August. We thought it had gotten really late (so dark!), but we'd finished eating by 5:30. It's definitely not summer anymore.

The kids were asleep by 7:00.

Yard/Work

For years now, we've spent many a lazy Saturday morning yearning to be homeowners if only so that we'd have yard work to do. "Imagine," I remember telling Lena, "how satisfying it would be to spend the day working on our own land." And she would agree, dreamily. And we'd both sigh. And I might spend an hour or so searching through the property listings as result. This is one of those situations where you could imagine that once we actually did buy our own house (and its accompanying .22 acres of yard) that we'd think back on those old, wistful conversations and say, "we were out of our minds to wish for more work to do," but the reality is that, so far, spending our weekends doing yard work is absolutely a dream come true. It truly is everything we hoped it would be.

We have big plans for our yard. Just like the inside of our house, we'd like to make the outside into an entirely useful space. We'd like to grow as many fruits and vegetables as we can, and also incorporate a collection of dynamic kid play spaces and grown-up sanctuaries. There is a lot of work to be done, on top of the usual mowing and raking and weeding. Up until today, I've spent the vast majority of my yard work hours building the chicken run, which I finally finished last week. We gave our girls a good chunk of space because we're not sure how much we'll be letting them out of the run to roam the yard (mostly because we're not sure how much we want to be stepping in chicken poo). This photo collage shows almost the whole run (you can see one white hen in there, for scale):

I was definitely flying by the seat of my pants while I designed and built it, but I'm happy enough with the way it turned out (I was able to build it all with left-over fencing material that the previous owner had left in our garage, and one side of the run incorporates the fence that the previous owner built). At some point, I would like to add a chicken wire roof to even better protect the hens from predators.

Today I got to do some jobs that I've been wanting to do since before we moved in, but that had to wait until after the chicken run was finished. There was a line of useless, overgrown shrubs/bushes through the middle of one side of the yard, and I'd been aching to yank them all out of there. Our plan is to plant fruit trees in their place come Spring, but I couldn't wait until then to do away with the bramble. Leo watched from his perch in the baby swing while I sawed and clipped and hacked away (unfortunately, I did not manage to take any before/after pictures, but I assure you that the difference is incredible).

"are you sure you know what you're doing with that saw, mom?"
Leo looking skeptical in the swing, 4.75 months

And today Lena got a chance to fly by the seat of her pants, when she spent a few hours cleaning the gutters of our house (now that is one example of yard/house work that we never fantasized about . . . but that was still satisfying and kind of fun). When we bought our house, there were literally plants growing in the gutters. So we knew that cleaning them out was a priority. But it took us a couple of months to procure a ladder long enough to reach them (thank goodness for friends with big ladders).

My Love and the long, long ladder

Lena got right to work, armed with our hot pink dish gloves and one of our grilling tools, just exactly what anyone would use to clean the gutters, right? And she did a most excellent job, I might add.


The kids were not as involved in the dirty work as I might have initially hoped they would be. Luke and Jaz did spend some time chasing the chickens after they escaped under the hedge into the neighbors' yard, and Zeb was often by my side, requesting worms, but they were all three mostly just running around playing. And since the kids playing in the yard fulfills another huge, decade-long fantasy, that felt perfectly OK to me.


Jaz showing off his chicken-chasing skillz

We ended our work day with a wagon ride into town for ice cream (and ended up staying much longer, and having dinner and doing some sale shopping at our favorite, local outdoor apparel store). All in all it was about as perfect as a day can be, in spite of the fact that we forgot to bring a diaper bag with us (because that's the kind of mamas we are), and Leo had a bit of a blow-out, and we had to buy him a new prefold (thank goodness Cradle sells them pre-washed!) and diaper cover and a pair of pants. In some ways, the diaper drama even made the day more perfect. More reasons to laugh.


Leo's first ride in the wagon!

Looking forward to another day outside/working tomorrow.
Life doesn't get any better than this.

If you haven't had a chance to vote for your favorite pictures or enter your name in the drawing for one of the 3 gift cards, please do so by Sunday (11/22) at midnight, since I will be ordering photos and drawing names on Monday morning. Thanks for all of your fabulous input thus far!

And then he was "free"

Last Saturday Zeben celebrated his third birthday. The fact that I am only just now, nearly one week later, recording this information, is actually in keeping with the whole celebration this year. Zeb had big plans for his "bird-day party" (he remains a committed bird-lover, and had fantasized about a bird piñata full of LIVE worms, among other fabulous bird-related party activities), but between the flu (which is rampant here) and the rain (why must it always rain on Zeben's birthday?), and the general state of things around our house (hello, disconnected woodstove in the middle of the living room floor), we forgot to invite anyone to Zeb's party, let alone make the piñata.

And, while the Martha Stewart Mommy inside me is sorely disappointed that I won't get a chance to present my "turn a pinecone into a bird-feeder" activity for a table-full of preschoolers, in my heart I feel like Zeb's birthday went exactly as I wish all birthdays in our family could go. It was mellow. There were balloons (this after Zeben woke up that morning and said, "it's not my birthday today. There aren't balloons all over the place"). And the now traditional birthday carrot cake. We let Zeben pick what to have for dinner (homemade mac & cheese), and invited a few very beloved family members over to help us celebrate. We gifted Zeben with a harmonica (and one for each of his big brothers too), and it wasn't wrapped, but it came in a case, and he loves it. And we had some bird artwork made for him as well (to honor his love of cardinals and blue jays).

three birds, three candles

so absorbed in the beauty of it all

what oh what to wish for?

birthday birds, made by local artist, Linda Ruel Flynn

loving the harmonica

Zeben, like many kids his age, likes to say that he is "free" now, which always makes me smile. In so many ways three-year-olds really do take on a new level of freedom via their increased independence. And I too, am feeling a bit more free these days, with Zeben happily staying longer days at preschool, going to bed (in his own bed!) early and easily, pooping on the toilet (finally!), getting out art projects for himself, and putting on his jacket without assistance. Three years ago feels more like 10 years ago. I can hardly remember my cuddly chub of panting baby. And I can't imagine how--so quickly, really--he's grown into this self-assured little person. Lover of tiny things (when trying to get hints out of me about his birthday present, he asked, excitedly, "but is it tiny?" in the same way that Luke and Jaz would have hoped for something BIG), lover of worms, lover of music and water, devoted brother, and adoring son.

I'm so proud of who you've grown to be.
Happy Birthday, Zeben!

Zeben Sky, one week old

Zeben Sky, one year old

Zeben Sky, two years old

Zeben Sky, three years old!

A bit of a birthday video
(fun to compare with the one from a year ago)

Flashback

Unless you have recently been reading through my old posts and happened across Leo's birth story (I'm guessing I'm the only one who re-reads that one every few weeks simply for the joy of re-living that day), you likely will not recall that when Lena was in early labor, she and I posed (mostly nude! Outside in our not-so-private yard!) for a local professional photographer. The goal was to get a photo of a pregnant lesbian couple to hang on the wall at Cradle, the maternal wellness center where I am now employed.

And since we've been quite busy ever since the photo shoot (after all, Leo was born a mere 15 hours later), we only just this week finally got a chance to visit with Sarah Prall, the photographer, at her studio, and see all of the pictures from that day. I'm actually really glad that it took us this long to schedule a viewing because it was so fun to get to see Lena's pregnant belly from our current point of view (which, at five months postpartum, can't really imagine that Lena was ever pregnant).

Sarah did an amazing job, and we are quite pleased with the results (in spite of the mullet hair-don't that I am sporting in the pictures (I did finally get around to cutting my hair about a week later, though at this exact moment it is, shamefully, creeping towards mullet once again)). We never would have considered having professional photos taken of ourselves, but now that we've seen what Sarah can do, we are ready to sign up for another session (this time with our kids as the models). Anyway, here are our top six favorites from Early-Labor Day (aka Leo's due date!):

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We are going to have 3 of them printed on canvas, but need your help to decide which 3 photos to have hanging on our walls for the rest of ever. Please leave your top choices in the comments section. PLUS, Sarah (who is herself, a reader of this blog) has very generously offered to give 3 of YOU local readers $100 gift cards so that you guys can get some professional photos taken of yourselves! All you have to do to be entered in the drawing is to leave me your top picks (and please indicate that you'd like to be included in the drawing, and make sure you've left some way for me to contact you)!

Thanks!

My Leo

I have been struggling over the past several weeks to try and figure out what happened here. Why I can't seem to find the time to blog when really, truly, there is so much I want to say. I write blog posts in my head all the time. Walking to town. Biking to pick the kids up at school. Building chicken fences. Lying in bed in the early morning, surrounded by my sleeping--and sniffling--family. And of course I can easily think of a million reasons for why my words aren't making it into written form: the new house and the never-ending projects that come with it, the fact that I'm working outside the home now, or that Lena and I now have a day alone (with the baby) together every week, or that we've all been sick with this seemingly never-ending cough/cold, or that I've been letting the kids watch movies on my computer since the dvd player broke a few months ago, and thus it's less available to me. But really, I think the real reason for my absence in this space is that I've been a bit busy falling in love. And I've lost myself in it . . . in him.

Leo, 4 months

His name is Leo. He's nearly five months old. And he's mine.

I'm not sure when it happened exactly. Surely I've loved this baby since the moment he was conceived, maybe even before then. And when he first emerged, slippery and swollen and so, so beautiful, I felt his presence in my heart with a thud. Oh how I loved him. At the same time, in Leo's early weeks, I was tormented by how difficult it was for me to claim him as my own. After bringing three babies on to this planet and mothering them in a certain way, it was so hard for me to sit back and watch My Love with our fourth son, sleeping with him all day, wearing him and nursing him and continuing to be ONE with him as she had been for the previous nine months. All I could see was how different things were. I wanted so desperately to feel instantly as though he were my baby, and I didn't. I yearned for connection and attachment and the belief that even though he had not come from my body, he was every bit as much my son as Lukas, Jasper and Zeben.

I knew it would happen eventually, but I wished for a precise time line. I wanted someone wiser, someone who had been through this experience of gestational parenthood followed by non-gestational parenthood, to tell me exactly on which day I would feel like I was, indeed, Leo's Mother. The reality was much less predictable. Slowly, with each diaper change, burping session, and swaddling success, Leo and I began to know each other and to find a rhythm together. I think it wasn't until Lena went back to work and I began to have larger chunks of alone time with Leo (I officially have him 3 days a week, and sometimes bring him to work with me on my "off" days) that everything finally came together. I became more confident in knowing what Leo needed and when, and he became more comfortable with my baby-soothing methods.

I noticed small changes at first. That suddenly I was checking on him more when he was sleeping, worried that he'd stop breathing (an instinct I experienced with our first three children in the first few weeks after birth, but which was a couple months delayed in regards to Leo). I began to miss him more when I was away from him. I could feel love rushing through me when we were reunited at the end of the day. And I became less and less aware of the differences in the experience of mothering Leo, until, eventually, I never thought about them at all.

tandem nursing Leo and Zeb on the kitchen floor
(photo by Jaz)

Certainly my ability to breastfeed Leo has been a tremendous aid in our bonding process, especially for someone like me for whom mothering and breastfeeding are nearly synonymous. That said, I was surprised to realize a couple of weeks ago, when Leo went on a bit of a nursing strike with me (I think it was right when he really figured out that there was a difference between nursing with me and nursing with Lena), that it wasn't nearly as upsetting as I had anticipated it would be. I was disappointed and thought it was unfortunate to lose that parenting tool, but I didn't feel like less of Leo's mother without the ability to nurse him. I'd already learned plenty of other ways to soothe him and keep him happy, and I felt like we'd do just fine together without the option of my breasts. Thankfully, after a few days, Leo came to his senses and we resumed our nursing relationship (which is still mainly for comfort, or to tide him over in-between feedings with Lena). But it was a really good test for me. To see that I can, indeed, be a mother to a baby without nursing, and that it actually felt OK.

loving my baby up

There is still a difference, when I'm out and about with Leo, in comparison to my experiences with our other babies. Lena and I have decided that we'd rather she not express her breastmilk for Leo because we both believe that Lena and Leo should never be separated for more than 4 hours at the absolute longest (we try to keep their separations to 2-3 hours). And so, I have to look at the clock more when I'm with Leo than I did with the older boys. But I'm finding that it actually works out just fine. If I've gone to town for the morning, sometimes Lena will come in and meet me someplace to nurse the baby before returning to work. Or, I plan my outings in such a way that I have time to stop back home right when Leo needs to eat. Leo nurses less on the days he's with me than he does on the days he's with Lena (when he nurses at least every 2 hours, if not more frequently), but he seems to do just fine with making up for his missed feedings in the evenings. He really is just about the happiest baby ever, which I think is the best indicator that what we're doing is working. And rather than feeling frustrated at being tethered to My Love and her milkiness, I find I'm really enjoying how very cooperative this parenting arrangement is. It was never like this with our other kids, and I really regret that we weren't able to share more in the daily mothering of them when they were babies. And, as much as Leo enjoys getting a chance to reconnect with his Mama every few hours throughout her working days, I really enjoy getting to see so much of My Love as well. Everyone wins.

Leo, happy in Mama's sling

But falling in love with a baby does have its downsides. It's rather distracting. I may think that I'm going to spend the morning writing on the computer while the baby plays happily beside me on his sheepskin. But then he smiles at me. And I find him a tad irresistible. And my brain turns to mush. So I close my computer and join the baby on the sheepskin instead. Lots of lost time, but absolutely no regrets.

Despite my reduced amount of blogging time/attention as of late, I have promised myself that I will blog everyday for the rest of this month (FROM 11/18/09 through 11/30/09, so 12 MORE POSTS THIS MONTH!) in attempt to get myself back on track. Thank you so much for hanging in with me despite my prolonged absence.